Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Jump Around

I will jumping out of a plane on April 28!

It's a fundraiser for SOAR (Speaking Out Against Rape ) . If you care to support my jump, please visit my fundraising page at

Hubby is most dissatisfied with this plan, as are a number of my friends who fear for my safety. In terms of jumping, it's pretty safe--a good skydiving center, a tandem jump with an experienced jumper. And honestly, it doesn't feel scary to me (though I'm sure when I'm in the plane I will be freaking out!).

Scary is being raped. Jumping out of a plane (assuming you have a parachute!) is cake.

I have been inspired by Cole's bravery in her post today, so here goes.

the summer I was 14

M is my first real boyfriend. He persistently pursued me in that 8th grade way that spring by sending me messy, rambling notes on legal paper. I should have listened to my friend Susan's snarky suggestion to correct the grammar and send the notes back--but that wasn't, still isn't, who I am. So even though I had no interest in him, I felt sorry for him and met him at the library for that first "date."

Somehow this turns into a "relationship." We don't actually go anywhere, of course, but we do a lot of experimenting with sex and drugs and cutting school. He has a "fort" over his dad's garage, which is our private den.

One day he wants to try anal sex. It has no appeal to me but I'm pretty open to trying anything. My concern is that it will hurt. So he says, we can try it, if it does hurt, we'll just stop.

So we try it. It hurts like hell. I say stop.

He says no.

I am face down, stomach flat on the floor, feeling like I am being ripped in half and knowing I can't get up. I am pounding my fists on the floor and crying. I am being betrayed by this person I trusted. I am stupid. I am nasty. I got what I deserved.

When it's over I get dressed and take the bus to Audrey's house. I can smell the semen on my skin while I look out the window onto Roland Avenue. I don't tell Audrey what happened. Most of my friends don't even know I'm having sex. If anyone would figure it out, it would be Audrey, but I don't think she puts it together for another year or so. I don't even break up with M for a few more months, though I do get progressively more depressed and try to kill myself--landing in the hospital for several days---over the summer. I don't tell the doctors in the hospital, even the cute young resident who I really do trust. I don't speak about this day for years, and then very vaguely. The first time I actually describe exactly what happened, I am in my mid-twenties, almost 10 years later, telling my then-husband with my head covered by a pillow, ashamed even then.

So no, jumping out of a plane does not scare me all that much. Like I said, it's cake.

Monday, January 01, 2007

Happy New Year!

Had a really nice New Year's Eve despite no plans....In the morning I had a wonderful breakfast with Cole....then swung bythe Y to enroll Sam is swimming and basketball for January. Later, Sam and I walked to the BMA and spent the afternoon looking at art and sketching, then came home and ate noodle soup. Sam was sooo excited about "staying up all night;" he kept asking "Is it late? Is it late??" We had a countdown to the new year at about 9:15 and, per Sam's request, went on the porch in our pajamas to shout "Happy New Year!" and bang pot lids and blow horns. Then we read his New Year's Eve book, Dumpling Soup, and another chapter of Ribsy, and Sam was sound asleep in about one minute. ( We knew he was tired when Hubby told Sam to pick out his stories, and Sam was so confused he began taking off his pajamas.)

Hubby and I watched Unfaithful, which we agreed was rather predictable and boring. However, it did elicit an interesting discussion, in which Hubby assured me he would not murder someone with whom I had an affair, but simply break his leg. I countered that I thought it was "pansy ass" to simply injure your nemesis, when doing something quiet and subtle yet life-destroying (in an emotional sense) would be much more satisfying. Fortunately this was all hypothetical!

We spent Saturday with my mother's family in Pennsylvania, at my uncle's home. Sam enjoyed playing with big cousin Matt (age 8). I talked at length to my aunt Kitty about Sam's "behavorial challenges;" she dealt with even more difficult behavior when Matt was under 5. Turns out he (along with my older cousin) has a mild case of Tourette's and improved greatly on medication. Both Tourette's and OCD are in my family, so this is definitely something to watch.

Sam woke me up early today, and I dozed off while he played--but had terrible dreams. I dreamed that a friend died, Debbi's older sons were both in the hospital due to poisonings, another friend was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, and various other unpleasant events. I was quite exhausted and stressed after that mini-nap!

Happy 30th birthday, Jesse! Hope you and Katie are enjoying London!!

- Crazy/Hip Blog-Mamas+
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