Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Not-to-be #1: David

Don't ask me why, but I have been fixating recently upon the several boys/men with whom I almost had a thing, but didn't. There are three. First up, David.

I met David in 8th grade. He was handsome and very very smart, goofy and nerdy, just slightly full of himself in that first-born Jewish male way. I don't remember how we got from mutual crush to "official item," but we were there very, very briefly. I don't think we ever even kissed, though I still have the "hug card" with the blue koala that he gave me. We would talk for hours on the phone, play songs to each other (I distinctly remember playing him "If I Fell" from Rubber Soul), talk about duetting on flute (me) and piano (him). We wrote each other poetry. He was adoring, brimming with love, barely containing his elation. He was driving his sister nuts talking about me, and I am sure his parents were amused though slightly terrified. But it was all too much for me. Foreshadowing a future pattern in my adult relationships, I wanted someone like David--attentive, kind, enthralled with me--but when I got it, it freaked me the fuck out. So much so that my feelings for David basically went completely numb overnight.

We stayed friends, and David was the model of maturity, but I'm sure it must have been heartbreaking and confusing for him. He was briefly angry with me, but he put it aside so quickly. I wince to think how painful that must have been for him. If only he knew all the awful things that lie behind our breakup.

We went to different high schools, but the schools were next door to each other and I saw him a lot. In 10th grade, we became close again and hung out often after school and on weekends. We were both "recrushing" but of course he kept some distance. My ring dance was looming and I took the plunge and asked him, and he quickly said yes. I knew we were on the cusp of a "real" relationship and it was so exciting and thrilling.

The dance was scheduled for a Saturday night on a weekend when David, who was religious, had a youth retreat in another state with his synagogue. He begged his dad to let him come back early for the dance, and his dad agreed to drive down to Virginia to pick him up on Saturday. Then my stupid school changed the dance to Friday only weeks before. There was no way David could get out of the retreat on Shabbas. We were both quietly broken.

David insisted I ask someone else to the dance. I took Sean, a guy I had met at work over the summer and briefly dated. He was very very cute (think teenage Timothy Hutton) and nice enough, but there weren't a lot of sparks. I was frankly stunned when he said yes. We had an ok time, though the highlight for me was the party after, where I met for the first time my bad boy crush Andy B., who took me into Ben's bedroom and shared his bowl with me, only mentioning after we had smoked for an hour that he might still have strept.

I don't know why David and I never pursued things after that. He was probably waiting for me to act and I was probably waiting for him. I regret that it never happened. I would have liked to have felt his strong arms around me, basked in his adoring glow and felt cherished and loved. And I bet he was a really, really good kisser. Just a hunch.


At 7:45 PM, Blogger jackie said...

Um, dude? Way to leave us hanging!

One of my might-have-beens was a boy named Seth in college, who liked my poetry and played me the first Elliott Smith CD I'd ever heard. He was tall and thoughtful but a year older, and after he graduated I never saw him again.


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