Wednesday, July 23, 2008


I should have felt free, joyous, relieved. Instead I felt panicked and lonely and untethered, scrambling to get my feet to touch the ground. I thought I wanted to be with J but it was very quickly, very clear to me that he was just an excuse. Woodenly I rode in his Beretta, then sat in an apartment eating egg rolls and watching movies, counting the minutes.

Late that night I struggled with the front door lock at Hannah's parents' house, my emergency landing pad. I was in tears when her mom opened the door for me and wrapped her arms around me, held my sobbing form. I don't think any of my friends would have known what to say to me, but she understood, intuitively.

I went home the next day. It wouldn't be the last time I'd leave, and I needed to go, but I guess I just wasn't ready.


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