Sunday, July 23, 2006

Mommy, depressing

Haven't been in the mood to write but Cole makes me want to, what with her 12 highly entertaining posts per day.

6 DAYS to my vacation starts!
2 DAYS to my next pool trek!
1 DAY until my new employee starts, thus meaning I WILL BE FULLY STAFFED, FINALLY, AND IF ANYONE DARES LEAVE I WILL CHAIN THEM TO THE DESK. (Sharon, this means you!)

I found my little brother on MySpace. Perhaps we'll actually start to rebuild our relationship. When I cut off contact with my dad, when I was 24, Rob was only 13, so it was pretty impossible to be in touch with him regularly without involving my dad to some degree. I could have been more proactive, especially once he was at college, but I guess it just seemed weird. I feel bad about it. I think all the time about reinitiating contact with my dad, but I am just afraid of going to that (emotional) place again. And I don't want to expose Sam to any of the negativity, or have Sam get attached to someone with whom I then can't deal anymore. What this has to do with seeing my brother, I don't exactly know, except that he is of course still in my dad's life. But honestly I haven't a clue as to what their relationship is like. So I guess we'll see where it goes.

Sam and I went to the pool late on Saturday, just before the storms hit. We got about 20 minutes in the pool before it started to rain, but because the rain started before the thunder, we got to swim in the pool while it rained! I love that! Then we got drenched en route to the car. it was fun.

I wish I could share all these great moments with Hubby too, as a family, but he is so absent from our weekends it's downright sad. To what degree it's from his chronic illness I don't know. Today Sam and I went to the library, and when I asked Hubby if he wanted to go (meaning we would wait for him to get ready even though he slept until after 1 p.m.), he said "Not really." Which basically makes me feel like crap. I did ask Sam if it bothered him that Daddy didn't do stuff with us on the weekends, or if he didn't mind (I tried really hard to ask this in an upbeat, nonleading way), and he said "I don't mind!" I guess he gets his fill of Daddy during the week. I do sometimes feel, what is the point exactly of being married???

Ok, I've pretty much depressed myself so I think I will retire to my friend, the television. I've watched some good documentaries this week---"The Aggressives," about young butch lesbians in New York, and "Pack Strap Swallow," about young women incarcerated in Ecuador for their work as drug mules.

Later gator.


At 7:47 PM, Blogger cole edwards said...

Okay, first watch some more upbeat televison woman.

Second, I am sorry to hear you so down in the dumps.

I have been in therapy many times and feel it is very helpful. You are worth it to find a way to feel good.

You are beautiful , sweet and smart. Lets hang out this weekend? I have to study like a mad woman, but I plan to splash about somet this weekend. Call me.


At 12:56 AM, Blogger Laura said...

Sorry that you're feeling like crap right now (not the most Hallmarky of sentiments, but it's sincere). I hate to think of you feeling so lonely. If you need anything, I'm out here.

PS What noble TV-watching, by the way. Yesterday, in the middle of a beautiful Sunday afternoon, I watched a made-for-TV movie about a veangeful vixen who stalks her ex-husband and his new family. We are talking TRASH. My one excuse: I was suffering from the flu. So, you know--NO GUILT.


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