Guest Blogger: Wa in Foreign Lands

Dear Warren has consented to be a guest blogger and share with you his delightful personality as he recounts his recent jaunt to Costa Rica...enjoy!

Costa Rica 2008!!!

So, Jeff and I went to Costa Rica this month (I know I know, I haven't shut up about it for weeks) and I thought I would keep a little travel log about our vacation to Costa Rica to help, as Alzheimer’s sets in, remember what a lovely time we had. You know me, don't have a private bone in my body, so of course I have to share it. Please enjoy, it is rather long, but who am I to pretend I am not a windbag.


Sunday, April 20th : Arrival

After a shockingly less than obnoxious flight from BWI to Atlanta to San Jose, we met our driver du jour, Jorges, and headed out for a 3 hour trip to Arenal, Costa Rica’s most active volcano. It’s been erupting since 1968, and has killed dozens and dozens of people over the years so of course extensive work has been done to turn this into a major tourist destination. The highlight of the drive is that most of the roads are paved and Jorges tends to stop for stop signs and red lights. Not so much for pedestrians but they are obviously quite numerous and easily replaced.

We arrive at the Tabacon Spa and Thermal resort. This is a very Chi-Chi place, guests are greeted with cool drinks and scented cloths with which to refresh while checking in. They have the very special dining patio and at the spa one can have volcanic rocks placed on your delicates, have your chi reoriented, or visit the sweat lodge for a not insubstantial sum of money. Given that we are in the middle of the freaking rain forest in Central America and every move makes one sweat buckets, the desire for a sweat lodge is not high on my list. So, anyway, very Chi-Chi, right? So it makes me wonder even more why such a Chi Chi place would put a floor length mirror in each bathroom directly across from the commode. Who wants to see that when they are doing THAT?!?!? Not 5 star treatment in my book!


Sunday, April 20th: Dinner with the ass face woman

So, Jeff and decide to go to the restaurant and sit for what turns out to be an 8 course meal. Who knew there could be 8 courses? This is quite delightful. Our table is very nice and Jeff has a direct view of the pool with the natural waterfall with the volcano in the background. I have a direct view of the backside of a 45+ woman (aka "ass-face woman") who thought it would be wise to wear skin tight low rise jeans and a pink thong with the tag still attached while she screeched at her 3 kids to sit down and be polite. Note to self: send strongly worded complaint to original designer of thong and skinny jeans.


Monday, April 21st: Hike to Volcano

We were joined on this hike by 2 other couples, Geoffrey (pronounced Joffrey) and Nancy (pronounced Pain in the ass) and Carol and John. To get to the volcano we had to drive on a road so pockmarked with pot holes I regretted not investing in a sports bra (note to self: manboobs are never a good thing). Trekking through the rain forest on a day that would make Bawlmore’s muggiest seem a breath of fresh air was an experience best described as moist. Of course we saw many amazing things: toucans (fruit loop birds as Nancy screeched) and orchids all over the place. We also heard this odd noise throughout that we discovered upon arriving at the lava field was the sound of boulders rolling down the freakin volcano. Very exciting to see the mountain moving, very foolish to have passed 3 “you are entering an active volcano site: enter at your own risk” signs to stand at the bottom of said volcanic mountain. The video tape is expected to be excellent!


Tuesday, April 22nd: Visit the actual Hot Springs

So we go to the luxurious hot springs. Please note these are not “warm” springs, not “toasty” springs. They are hot. Turns out that they are so hot, I get palpitations. For the record, passing out in hot springs, heated by a very local volcano, is not my definition of “luxurious.” However, I did discover that in the event of an emergency, I have gained enough weight to in fact be my own flotation device. The bad news is my backside (thongless for the record) is the most buoyant part which results in a face down position. You take the good, you take the bad……


Wednesday, April 23rd: River boat ride

Today we took a boat ride in the northern part of Costa Rica. It was a long lovely ride seeing all the sites. We finally got to see Howler Monkeys as they were lining the river the entire time (and howling every time the boat passed by). Getting pictures of the howlers is a challenge as you want to get close enough to get good pictures but not so close as to get hit by the poo they throw at you, which is, apparently, their“thing." Fortunately, we remained poo-less. Our river guide thought it would be exciting to secretly smuggle us into Nicaragua and later we got to crawl under the border fence to sneak back into the country. I must say, it was a little bit thrilling. And now that I have first hand experience at the fear of border patrols, the desperation of remaining out of jail and the pain of barbed wire scraping your back just before is snags your under nothings, I feel I can now genuinely enter the immigration debate in an intelligent manner and look forward to doing so one day soon!


Wednesday, April 23rd: second fancy dinner

So, again I am faced with ass face woman at dinner. This time, I am face to face rather than face to ass. Unfortunately, not a significantly better view.


Thursday, April 24th: Off to the beach

After a 5 hour drive, Jeff and I arrive at the Parador hotel and immediately after checking in, we head to the beach. This is our first chance to try out the new mega sun block at a sun proof factor of 80!!!!!!

Turns out, dead fish belly white don’t tan, but it still burns!!!


Thursday, April 24th: All you can eat buffet

SCORE!!!! For a mere $53.00 per person, we got to eat as much lobster, sirloin, filet mignon, Mahi Mahi, Tuna, chicken as we want (screw the cheap ass salad bar, I only go high end!) See the thing about all you can eat places is they think they are gonna make money on each individual cause nobody ever eats that much. Well, one of the advantages of having absolutely no abdominal muscle tone is the fact that you fit well more than 53 freaking dollars worth of food in me!!! Marcella would have been very ashamed of me but I have to do what I have to do.


Friday, April 25th: bought some wood bowls

I love wood bowls. I would eat 10 pounds of horse shit if it came in a nice wood bowl!!!


Sunday, April 27th: Dinner out

We got to meet up with Mary Ann Rodavitch for dinner with her and her family at their hotel. The place is so twisted up in the jungle on the side of a mountain that each individual place is accessible only by golf cart. Dinner and company was excellent.


Monday, April 28th: return trip home

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