Ginapea

it hurts my heart

2011-08-12T23:34:00.003-04:00

I don't usually say things like it hurts my heart. Too goopy, too cliched. But tonight I did.

In the pool with Sam, he was asking about kids who don't look like their parents, and why. And we were talking about adoption, and the wierdness of genetics, and I mentioned that sometimes people who are NOT related DO look alike. Like people always thought Aunt Kitty and I were sisters, even though we were not blood related.

And Sam said, "Aunt Kitty's dead, right?"

It still feels surreal, and painful, and really not fair and not right. It's still shocking. So I keep her old emails. I think of her most every day. I plan the tattoo I will get in her memory. I try to make sure that her children, my cousins, know that I am thinking of them and that I love them, and that she loved them more than anything.

It still hurts my heart.

Happy holidays

2010-12-18T15:46:00.001-05:00

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Bad news for Christmas

2009-12-12T20:55:00.002-05:00

"Is Santa real?"

Probably the dreaded question for most parents, but we've never told the Santa tale. I grew up knewing it was not real--courtesy of my dad-- but playing along for fun. I saw many other kids lose their shit when they discovered Santa was just made up, and had no desire to repeat that with my own child. But Sam will usually ask every year, I think checking in because his friends believe and he needs to check it out.

I gave my usual answer: "What do you think?" When he was 4 or so, he said "I think Santa's real" and I just said "ok" and went with it. This year he is 7, and his answer was a little different.

"I think he was real but he died."

So Santa's real, but he's dead, folks. Merry Christmas!!

Closing Time

2009-09-08T00:14:00.002-04:00

It is my end of summer, because today Swan Lake closed for the season. It was fairly cool today, so we didn't go swimming. I just ran in to get my chairs. As we drove away, I thought about this summer and what Swan Lake has brought to me this year: getting to know people better, and making new friends.

Finally met Tom of *Liz and Tom*, and not only is Liz lovely and gorgeous, her husband is a riot and another stay at home dad (though he doesn't take it quite as literally as my husband does). Sam played lots with Mav & Shane. I am still stunned by Mav's major league quality throw.

Finally met Segrid live and in person after chatting on FB and having countless friends in common. Annoyingly inserted myself into her recent conversation with Cole, sorry about that Segrid, but I had a very personal interest in the subject matter and couldn't seem to make myself walk away.

Lots of quality time with Heidi, Malik and Leila. Sam and Malik get along well and it's nice to have another family who is on our late schedule.

Time with Liz and her family. Sam loves Hooper. Liz is an amazing person I have known for years (since I was 14?) but over the summer I feel like I've gotten to know her much better and hope we can continue to spend time together.

Ditto for Kristin, who I knew only slightly but now know a smidge better. Another quite amazing person who radiates strength and wisdom. I love the way she talks to kids and I love her hair in ever-changing hues of pink.

Fun playing with Sam for countless hours: catch, swim races, Chase the Ball and Protect the Light and whatever else Sam can make up. Teaching Sam to tread water and swim freestyle. Digging in the sand pit and meeting Watermelon Girl (a little girl known only by her watermelon-themed bathing suit...when I remarked that it looked like a watermelon, she looked at me with pity and explained it was not a watermelon, it was a bathing suit.)

Playing with friends' kids: catch with Mav, swimming with Alden and Malik and Hooper on my back (who are all delightfully light compared to Sam, who weighs about a million pounds), chatting with Shane (about what I'm still not sure), watching the adorable toddler antics of Charlie and Simon and Sabrina. And time with Baby Leila! Feeding my baby fever...

Can't believe another season is over.

One of those good moments

2009-07-25T12:56:00.002-04:00

In the midst of feeling like absolute crap and being very very cranky, had one of those moments that shines a light on the good stuff.

Sam is really into Ghostbusters right now. He watched the movie and is playing the DS game non-stop. Yesterday when E and Sam picked me up from work, Sam was dressed, shall we say, WARMLY for a hot Baltimore day: long purple nylon Ravens pants, a t-shirt, and a red rain jacket (and no, it wasn't raining). He also had his backpack, even though school is not in session. Turns out this is his Ghostbusting ensemble.

When we got home, I saw a collection of Chinese condiment packets on the coffee table. Their use was made clear when E, as the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man, stumbled around the room tossing tiny plastic envelopes of hot mustard and soy sauce at Ghostbusting Sam, and Sam leapt over the sofa with his "blaster" and got the ghost.

Just one of those funny, sweet moments....made me smile.

Crash

2009-07-12T23:00:00.002-04:00

I was dreading this trip. The last time we drove to East Berlin was for the funeral, only a month or so ago, but driving those roads again makes me ache for Kitty, who I just can't wrap my head around not ever seeing again. I even asked Sam if he wanted to go without me, just with my mom and grandmother to visit his cousins. Of course he said no, and truthfully I don't think I could send him off in a car to another state without me anyway.

So uneventfully we go the the assisted living, open Mother's Day presents with my grandmother, see the renovations and the new puzzle room on her floor. Back in Mom's brand new car, the four of us ride quietly. I sip my big Diet Coke in the backseat and think of Kitty, while Sam taps away on his Nintendo next to me.

At the crossroads, we stop and my grandmother exclaims "Well, how fast he going!?" And then, a deafening crash, the vehicle spins, the car is flying down the embankment and straight ahead, I see a tree. I am punched in the left side of my head by the airbag, stunned into silence as the window glass shatters. The air bags cast a sick red glow inside the car. Mom swerves and avoids the tree and we stop, tires stuck on the rocks.

"Is everyone ok?" I hear myself say. Sam begins to cry, to wail, he is terrified. Mom is bloody and crying; she looks backward at me and seems so small and frail. Mom-Mom is shaken. Sam unstraps himself from the car seat and gets out onto the rocks, sobbing. I get out as well, open the front door. Mom-Mom can't get out, and neither can Mom, whose door is smashed, its lock torn clean. People start coming to us, drawn by the siren of Sam's sobs. I settle Sam on the hill at the roadside, call Randy to tell him we have crashed several miles from his house. He will come to us, but I am too confused to explain where we are.

The EMT units arrive, the State Police arrive. I hear a new term, "t-boned," which is what we have been, by a red truck going 60 mph. I can't reach Eric but leave him a message: there has been an accident, we are all alive, Sam is ok but scared. Everyone is drawn to Sam and me by his continuing wails. Several EMTs asks Sam questions; I know they are assessing his mental status but I don't tell him he has Asperger's, don't want his terror dismissed as a special-needs quirk.

Mom is shuttled quickly into the first ambulance. I catch the word "flight" and wonder if she is being flown to a trauma center. Mom-Mom is strapped to a guerney in another ambulance, and Sam and I are deemed well enough to ride along with her, though still as patients. Sam is horrified by the lack of seat belts in the ambulance, and clings to the stuffed animal the EMT gives him. I answer the medical questions and hold Mom-Mom's hand, though she is in good spirits and, Garp-like, thinks it's exciting that she is getting her first ambulance ride in her mid-80s.

Hours at the hospital later, there have been CTs of heads and necks and xrays of shoulders, elbows and hips. Mom has a minor head injury and superficial injuries, but the rest of us are ok. Eric comes to get us and takes a circuitous route back to Baltimore, thankfully avoiding the accident site. Randy stays with Mom-Mom, and gets a call that my cousin Ryan has just been crowned Prom King. The car is of course totalled. The EMTs tell my mom they are amazed there are no serious injuries, looking at each other and saying in unison, "air bags." We learn that without the airbags my mom and I would likely be dead.

Assorted Sam-politicalisms

2008-11-08T20:58:00.002-05:00

Listening to NPR in the car pre-election, we hear a story a story about Proposition 8in California. I ask Sam what he thinks about this, and clarify that it is a law about whether a man can marry a man or a woman can marry a woman. He pauses for a moment and then seriously says "that should be a law for the whole world."

**

A few weeks ago, Sam asked for whom I would be voting. WHen I said Barack Obama, Sam said, "Well, good, then you'll be voting for me."

**

On the way to school, Sam asks how much we owe on our mortgage and how long it will take to pay it. Then he muses that when that happens, we sure will have a lot of extra money each month, and gosh, couldn't we give him some of that money? I informed him that he will be 26 then, and while he did say he would have a job (as a cake decorator), apparently he will stll be living with us.

**

Election night, E and I are watching the returns after midnight and Sam stumbles out of bed, calling me to come upstairs. I ask him to come downstairs and tell him Obama won. The three of us snuggle on the sofa and watch Obama make a victory speech. I hope it's something Sam always remembers.

Not-to-be #1: David

2008-09-10T00:02:00.002-04:00

Don't ask me why, but I have been fixating recently upon the several boys/men with whom I almost had a thing, but didn't. There are three. First up, David.

I met David in 8th grade. He was handsome and very very smart, goofy and nerdy, just slightly full of himself in that first-born Jewish male way. I don't remember how we got from mutual crush to "official item," but we were there very, very briefly. I don't think we ever even kissed, though I still have the "hug card" with the blue koala that he gave me. We would talk for hours on the phone, play songs to each other (I distinctly remember playing him "If I Fell" from Rubber Soul), talk about duetting on flute (me) and piano (him). We wrote each other poetry. He was adoring, brimming with love, barely containing his elation. He was driving his sister nuts talking about me, and I am sure his parents were amused though slightly terrified. But it was all too much for me. Foreshadowing a future pattern in my adult relationships, I wanted someone like David--attentive, kind, enthralled with me--but when I got it, it freaked me the fuck out. So much so that my feelings for David basically went completely numb overnight.

We stayed friends, and David was the model of maturity, but I'm sure it must have been heartbreaking and confusing for him. He was briefly angry with me, but he put it aside so quickly. I wince to think how painful that must have been for him. If only he knew all the awful things that lie behind our breakup.

We went to different high schools, but the schools were next door to each other and I saw him a lot. In 10th grade, we became close again and hung out often after school and on weekends. We were both "recrushing" but of course he kept some distance. My ring dance was looming and I took the plunge and asked him, and he quickly said yes. I knew we were on the cusp of a "real" relationship and it was so exciting and thrilling.

The dance was scheduled for a Saturday night on a weekend when David, who was religious, had a youth retreat in another state with his synagogue. He begged his dad to let him come back early for the dance, and his dad agreed to drive down to Virginia to pick him up on Saturday. Then my stupid school changed the dance to Friday only weeks before. There was no way David could get out of the retreat on Shabbas. We were both quietly broken.

David insisted I ask someone else to the dance. I took Sean, a guy I had met at work over the summer and briefly dated. He was very very cute (think teenage Timothy Hutton) and nice enough, but there weren't a lot of sparks. I was frankly stunned when he said yes. We had an ok time, though the highlight for me was the party after, where I met for the first time my bad boy crush Andy B., who took me into Ben's bedroom and shared his bowl with me, only mentioning after we had smoked for an hour that he might still have strept.

I don't know why David and I never pursued things after that. He was probably waiting for me to act and I was probably waiting for him. I regret that it never happened. I would have liked to have felt his strong arms around me, basked in his adoring glow and felt cherished and loved. And I bet he was a really, really good kisser. Just a hunch.

Irony

2008-08-30T00:32:00.002-04:00

Sam has been out of control all week at home. We have had some colossal screaming fits both morning and night, and two at drop off in the morning. This morning the screaming started when he got up, continued throught breakfast, during the entire 30 minute car ride, on into school, and was still going on when the AP shooed me out the door (hats off to you Ms. Mari S, by the way!!)

Tonight when I came home, incessant whining started almost immediately: girls are mean, too many new girls in my class, I don't like the lunches except when they had something I liked and they ran out, I want Lincoln Logs, I don't want to brush my teeth, I'm still hungry, only one chapter???

But here's what happened today at pickup: Sam and three girls were singled out by their teacher as "the very best behaved all week." He got a cool Spiderman coloring book with stickers and a big cheer in public.

What the ??!!?? Thanks for saving the "best" for us, kiddo.

First day, with worry

2008-08-25T21:23:00.002-04:00

My worries on this first day of first grade were far greater than any of Sam's. He was happy to have the teacher all the kids seem to prize, the one who runs the Chess Club and shakes each kid's hand every morning and every afternoon. But almost all the kids from his kindergarten class are together in a different room. His two closest buddies are in there, and I know how he already felt a little left out in that trio since the other two are so close. Probably two thirds of his old class is still together. It is not lost on me that those kids are the higher-performing ones in their grade and I wonder why Sam got left out, when I know from his summer program that he is reading on a 3rd grade level and was in the very small kindergarten group doing 2nd grade math last year. I am sensitive to him being placed in lower-performing groups because of his "special ed" label, though part of the reason he qualified for an IEP in the first place was because of the discrepancy between his high IQ and his "just above average" performance. I trust this school and these teachers and keep telling myself to just get over it. I hope his little friends from last year don't forget him and that he is happy in his class. All I know so far is that his day was the standard "great" and that he is sitting next to Madison, a very sweet girl from his class last year who looks eerily like him.

I suppose I will worry about something no matter what, so this is pretty small potatoes, even compared to the worries I had the last two Septembers.

Another Baltimore girl

2008-07-27T14:52:00.003-04:00

Kim is gone, her sons now have no mother. Her siblings have lost another. She had so many people who adored her, and I don't think she even knew. She crashed to the bottom and clawed her way back, and then crashed again. She never got to be a nurse, and she would have been a really good one. She did buy a house, get her boys back, see one graduate from high school and get a scholarship to Georgetown. I hope he goes back and becomes the physician she hoped he would. I hope her younger son can make it through adolescence safely, with no more bullies or suicide attempts, no further sinking into the abyss that awaits Black male youth in Baltimore City.

I can only hope she had some peace, and that she is able to watch over her sons from wherever she is now. Kim, if you're listening, I hope you know I tried my hardest. I wish I could have given you more of whatever it was you really needed. We all love you and will forever miss you. It's hard to believe you're gone.

Artist of the Week

2008-07-23T22:46:00.001-04:00

Sam's camp has an artist of the week. At breakfast I asked who it was for the week, and Sam told me:

Andy Warthog.

Separation

2008-07-23T22:35:00.003-04:00

I should have felt free, joyous, relieved. Instead I felt panicked and lonely and untethered, scrambling to get my feet to touch the ground. I thought I wanted to be with J but it was very quickly, very clear to me that he was just an excuse. Woodenly I rode in his Beretta, then sat in an apartment eating egg rolls and watching movies, counting the minutes.

Late that night I struggled with the front door lock at Hannah's parents' house, my emergency landing pad. I was in tears when her mom opened the door for me and wrapped her arms around me, held my sobbing form. I don't think any of my friends would have known what to say to me, but she understood, intuitively.

I went home the next day. It wouldn't be the last time I'd leave, and I needed to go, but I guess I just wasn't ready.

for EPM

2008-07-13T22:27:00.002-04:00

First, you were on the edge of my friend circle. My best friend had a crush on you for a while, then you eventually became part of our crowd.

Once we were in high school and the crowd dispersed, you started writing me letters, the equivalent of today's emails, silly since you lived a mere mile away. We had a friendly, slightly flirty, chat going on, and then you asked me out.

We dated for about 2 months. I liked you more and more, sitting under the stars in your battered MG Midget, the car that didn't run yet but you were lovingly restoring for the day when you got your license. We had fun, you were kind, and like me you stradled the working class and preppy worlds.

One day you decided I felt more like a sister than a girlfriend, and I was crushed, but you were kind about it so I healed quickly. A summer night, walking with Sherri by your house, you ran out and greeted me enthusiastically and asked if you could cook me dinner sometime. I had a glimmer of hope that you had changed your mind about us, but when we talked the next week you asked about Sherri. So I swallowed my pride and set you up, and the rest of the summer you two were a couple. And I really was ok with it.

Sherri broke up with you at the end of the summer because of your temper, and you cried on my shoulder. Then you moved on and I thought you were over it. So when the November dance came around and Sherri wanted me to call your friend Mark to see if he remembered her, I did it without thinking, a favor for a friend. Sherri and Mark went to the dance and then became a couple.

You were furious at Sherri and at Mark, but mostly at me. Given our history, your reaction truly took me by surprise. I saw you at the talent show at your school, and you were drunk and said evil things to me. I was stunned and embarassed and hurt, but also sorry for hurting you by mistake. You never seemed to see the irony in your fury.

Later we did patch it up and resume our friendship, but it was never the same. I missed you, and could have used your friendship in the next two awful years. I wonder where you are now.

Just another day at camp for the six year olds

2008-06-27T20:33:00.001-04:00

So I ask Sam what he did at camp today and he says "Oh, we did some stuff with cubism" and then starts to prattle on about Pablo Picasso.

Connecticut boy

2008-06-27T00:08:00.003-04:00

On that beach, it's cold and windy and dark. Snuggled next to you under one sleeping bag, your best friend on the other side of me, trying to be quiet while you touch me without kissing, reprising our afternoon in the back of a VW bus zooming on Rt. 50. It's cold and it's hot, it's scary and it's safe, I can't believe it's you, here with me, wanting me, after all those letters written at your hotel job and read in my bedroom 300 miles away. If I knew then what I know now, I would take you back to that beach alone, kiss you intensely, open myself under the moon light, damn the wind.

Blooming friends

2008-06-24T23:21:00.003-04:00

Chel is coming to visit for a WEEK, which means I will get to have dinner with her and the gang on Saturday AND spend at least one more time with her, possibly at the
4th of July pool cook-out!

Eve is coming from SF next week, haven't seen her in so so long and have been thinking about her a lot lately.

Making plans to see several long lost pals--drinks with Sonia, awaiting T's response for dinner plans, and get to see the lovely Mr. Parker sometime soon.

Malik's birthday party is Sunday at the beach!!

Owen's party in a few weeks is Pirate Olympics which will for sure be entertaining!

My volunteer training will be soon and then I will be a-cuddling cats at the SPCA on the regular.

And I think I'm finally going to get a digital camera.

I may pass out from all this excitement!!!

Roller coaster

2008-06-23T23:03:00.002-04:00

Monday, first day back to work after vacation, first day of summer camp.

I am so proud of Sam as he talks to adults who greet him at camp and introduces himself to a boy he met last summer. I stay while we wait for teacher assignments and he spends most of the time across the room with the other kids, all independent-like.

Then FLIP! upside down...he gets unnerved by the newness and freaks out...an hour of screaming and kicking and hitting and flailing. None of the super distraction techniques by these top clinical professionals work....the boy is the poster child for stubbornness. He is not easily fooled.

And after an hour of this torture, a jar of "fidgets"---gross eye-popping frogs, spiky fish and the like---turns it around again. He happily plays with Lewis, the boy toting a Wallace & Grommit DVD who informed me LATER I WILL HAVE CAKE! I kiss Sam on the cheek and tell him I'm going to work. I catch myself holding my breath until he says "OK, bye!"

Never a dull moment.

Heart broken

2008-06-22T23:33:00.003-04:00

I arranged my Christmas around you. We spent the night at my mom's, I took you to see your friend Leslie in the morning, then to my family's traditional breakfast. I couldn't take you to my dad's family event due to the racism, so I drove the opposite direction to your sister's house so you could see your nieces and nephews. Then later I picked you up again for our dinner at Hannah's. We spent a romantic night together, reading each other Nikki Giovanni poems before turning out the lights. A busy day, and a sweet one because I was with you.

A week or so later, we are hanging out at Aaron's and you are on the phone with her. She asks you how your Christmas was. Not even noticing I am in the room, you say "it was alright, but it would have been better if I was with you."

Give 'em hell

2008-06-21T00:41:00.000-04:00

low blood sugar

you weren’t small
you were determined and angry and
entitled, you
couldn’t wait
that first taste was artificial
but you sucked it in, impressing the nurse
by drinking ounce after ounce

you did wait
for the real thing, just not
starving while you waited
til 11 p.m., taking it with a Demoral chaser

you were never a pushover, tell it
like it is, scream it
even if you don’t need to kick
back against the doppler
demand
what you want

I saw that one!

2008-06-16T20:32:00.003-04:00

trying to remember who all i've seen in concert...

diana ross, B52s, tracy chapman, hoodoo gurus, U2, lou reed, feelies, stray cats, tori amos, suzanne vega, richard thompson, elvis costello, the who, live, pj harvey, REM, james taylor, bonnie raitt, crosby stills & nash, peter gabriel, outkast, lauryn hill, mary chapin carpenter, emmylou harris, three dog night, america, johnny clegg, sinead o'coner, alanis morrisette, sonic youth, beastie boys, bruce springsteen, pink floyd, joan jett, indigo girls, nellie mckay, disappear fear, eric clapton, robert cray, prince

i'll think of more later

A really hard day

2008-06-12T19:31:00.002-04:00

It was supposed to be a celebratory day: kindergarten closing (not "graduation", thank goodness), then lunch at Red Robin, and an afternoon at the pool.

It's not really a surprise that end of the school year, even when uneventful and lovely, is a difficult transition for any kid, but especially for a 6 year old with Asperger's, like Sam. He has been a real bear for the past few weeks, throwing mega-fits and tossing around bad attitudes left and right.

This morning was no exception. Getting ready turned into an epic whine-fest because he didn't like his choice of dressy clothing, citing "everyone will think I'm ugly" among other cringe-inducing comments. The three of us did get on the road on time, and the entry into school was noneventful.

We had a few hours to kill, so E and I had some breakfast and then went to the park to watch squirrels. (Well, I was there to watch squirrels. E was there to comment on how obsessed I am with squirrels and dogs and birds.) This part of the day was nice, even though E was starting to feel ill from some new meds he is taking.

The kindergarten ceremony was beautiful, so much so that I spent most of it wiping away tears. The theme was "Forever Friends" and the kids sang songs and read a poem. Our boy got awards for good effort, good conduct (!!) and a cherished 3rd place running prize, for a little man not very coordinated or athletic, who is usually the slowest runner.

Lunch plans were changed a bit because E was too sick to go, but Sam and I went anyway. When the restaurant was out of crayons, he burst into tears. When he accidentally let his balloon go outside, more tears. When I got a replacement balloon, that helped, but he still sadly moaned about never seeing his "Balloony" again.

I asked Sam if he was up to a quick mall trip to pick up my new glasses. He wisely declined but accepted my offer of a trip to the library. We parked on the wrong side of the garage, which meant walking around for a bit--no big deal, except Sam was tearfully terrified about the danger of passing cars.

On the way home, he asked me a question I didn't understand, and when I attempted to clarify what he meant, he told me I "have no brain"--twice. Did I mention I had a mild headache all morning that was beginning to intensify? We walked into the house on the edge of a fit, both of us angry and frustrated. The next hour was a long ordeal, involving repeated time-out attempts, much screaming and door-slamming, accusations that it "was all Mommy's fault", and having to resort to using "baskets" (a holding technique we were taught by the behavioral psychologist for when he is too out of control to safely do time-outs, and which we rarely have to use) several times. It ended with him finally calming a bit, and with someone else well over 6 years old crying in the bedroom.

Ultimately I was able to talk him out of going to the pool, since honestly I don't think either of us could take it. We read books and I took a brief nap and he watched TV. Later we ate wasabi potato chips together while watching Franklin Stays Up.

Soon the newly minted first grader will go to bed. I'm glad this day is almost over.

History of School: Up to Grade 7

2008-06-09T21:09:00.002-04:00

Ages ago, my friend Jackie and her friend Tom had some interesting conversations going about gifted children. As someone tagged early on as gifted, and as the mom to a child who professionals have "warned" me is gifted, I thought I would put in my two cents as well, and started a review of my schooling career. I never finished the post, so that I would resurrect it.

Here is History of School: Up to Grade 7

My early elementary school years (until 4th grade) were in a good county public school. I always did very well in school and I liked it a lot, I think primarily because I was (and am) a social person--the academics were not the main point for me. The schooling wasn't hard but it wasn't boring either. I didn't "stick out" as a gifted kid, except when any standardized testing happened. I remember bringing home my Iowa test scores which apparently were stunningly high. I think this is when my parents "got" that I was actually truly smart, and they weren't making it up. I had been reading since age 4, when my paternal grandmother (a former teacher) taught me very quickly with old Dick & Jane books, but my dad read early too, so it was never thought to be a big deal.

(Side note: My father's family is HIGHLY competitive. He held the title in his family of Smartest Person, which he stole from his own mother, until his younger brother scored a perfect score on the math section of the SAT. I then captured the title from Uncle John, only to be surpassed by my brillant and gorgeous cousin Julia (John's daughter) when, a few years back, she got a perfect score on the Massachusetts State academic test.)

In 4th grade, when I went to live with my maternal grandparents full time, I transferred to a city public school in a depressed working-class area. This is where they really did not know what to do with me. I was ahead of every kid in the school. I spent part of my day initially with the 6th graders, which frankly was terrifying, as their extracurricular activities included smoking and having sex and beating each other up. Not to mention they were all really tall! They barely tolerated me. I begged my grandmother to get me out of the 6th grade class, and after many consultations with the principal and teachers, they instead put me in a Gifted and Talented classroom for part of every day. This I liked, as the teacher was wonderful and the kids were less scary. Our work in the GATE program was more focused on creativity and critical thought--we did news writing projects, studied and wrote poetry, etc. My teacher was instrumental in convincing me to attend my next school, where I started in 7th grade. She also sparked my confidence to get into theater work, which I did over the next several years, studying at MD Center for the Arts camps and Center Stage Conservatory--never ceasing to amaze my family that I could go up cold on a stage and audition for a roomful of adults. Even with the GATE class, I still had to do math separately from my class, using SRA materials to teach myself several-grades ahead math with two other kids (a skill that came handy in college, when I got the flu and had to teach myself two weeks' worth of stats with just the copies of my teacher's transparencies from class).

In 7th grade I moved onto a city-wide public junior high school with an excellent reputation. I wasn't psyched to go there, but to please Mrs. Camp, both my friend Kenya and I agreed to try it for one quarter. The sections (12 in all) were sorted by "smarts"--smartest in 701, next smartest in 702, etc. (Isn't that a terribly intimidating and polarizing system??) Kenya's older sister Noelle went to the school and LOVED it; she was very proud to have been in 708. So when the assignments came in the mail, Noelle and Kenya were beside themselves with pride because Kenya had been assigned to 705. They called me to ask what section I was in and--unaware of the heirarchy--I opened my envelope and casually reported I was in 701. I thought Noelle was going to die on the phone. You may as well have said that my homeroom teacher was Rick Springfield. (Previous close encounter with this school: in the summer before 6th grade, while I was at theater camp, someone from the school system contacted my mom--they wanted me to be one of about 6 students city-wide to pilot starting at the city-wide segment of the school in 6th grade instead of 7th. I didn't go because I was panicked and tearful at the thought of leaving my comfort zone a year early. Only several years later did I learn from my mom that they actually wanted ME to be the SINGLE PILOTED CHILD to go directly into 7th grade--skipping 6th altogether. Good thing she didn't tell me--I would have lost my little anxious mind!)

To be continued....

Samisms

2008-06-08T21:21:00.002-04:00

Key:
Sam version=real world version

Sharps= sharks
regot= forgot
pattering= pattern
lemon-ems= M&Ms
last morning= yesterday
dee-a-dee=DVD

Alone

2008-06-08T00:20:00.003-04:00

He's not quite four years old, still wearing diapers. He plays alone, drawn away from the pool to the sidewalk next to the lawn, where the parents of all those other kids congregate. The parents who play in the big pool with their kids and their friends's kids, who give out quarters and dollars for snack bar popcorn and candy and ice pops, who unpack fresh strawberries picked that morning or bags of pretzels or jugs of ice water. The parents who say no and warn of time outs and won't let them into the big pool without a grownup. The parents who slather their kids with sunscreen and know when they're so tired they need to go home, who say I love you as naturally as they breathe the chlorine-scented air.

He is caught parent-less in front of all those parents and kids, escorted by the pool manager around looking for a parent, and finally to a person paid for the surrogate role, a person who says get your ass in here on the way to the bathroom when it's pointed out that he is past due for a diaper change. There will be no snuggling with Mommy and complaining about a mean babysitter, no favorite stories and bedtime rituals with a tired but doting Dad, just a brief "good night" from a person who really doesn't care much, doing the bare minimum to keep this little boy alive and sheltered and fed, all for a paycheck.

He's really all alone.

Contest winners!

2008-05-25T19:44:00.002-04:00

People! When there is a contest to guess something, you must guess! No one guessed correctly, but as the only participants, Cole and Heidi are our winners. I'll buy you each a frosty treat at the pool!

See now, aren't you sorry you didn't participate?

The answer is:
Metal lunchboxes! I collect vintage ones and the list I gave was the ones I have. My favorites: Dr Suess (love the Cat in the Hat), Julia (for sentimental reasons--long story), Campus Queen (in excellent shape) and Harlem Globetrotters (love the artwork).

The Big Risk

2008-05-22T21:16:00.002-04:00

In a fine performance of his old standard Ode to Rigidity, Sam agreed to try something new. While at the National Zoo, he and his 6 year old friends were on a mission for ice cream. When we spotted a gelato cart, everyone was thrilled--except Sam. I warned him that, while delicious, gelato is not the same as ice cream. After expressing his displeasure about this, and insisting that we walk around to see if there was an ice cream cart around the corner, he finally consented to try the gelato. Miracle of miracles, it actually tasted good!

He's a risk taker, that boy.

for Mother's Day

2008-05-11T22:08:00.005-04:00

Dear Mom,

I remember...
Driving in the Datsun B210GX, listening to Donna Summer, the Beach Boys or Pippin.
Strawberry cake every year on my birthday.
You coming to every one of my school events and being genuinely enthusiastic.
Taking my friends to the movies, to college open houses, or for Chinese food.
Our trip to Florida with Aunt Debby and Uncle Owen.
Jaunts to Ocean City for swimming in the ocean and breakfast at the Magic Skillet.
You trying to teach me stick shift, and laughing (and not being angry) when I hit the curb and blew a tire.
Coffee and Cream on Christmas Day!!! (my kittens)
Really feeling like you tried to understand me as a teenager, when it didn't make sense even to me.
You being there for us when Sam was born, and seeing how much he loves you and you love him.

Dear Mom-Mom,

I remember...
The great letters you sent me at camp, which made me feel like I was right at home.
Taking naps together when I was 3 and 4, and how you saved all the green lollipops for me.
Watching you make pies, and making little tarts from the leftover dough.
Hearing you talk to Prince and Pebbi (my dogs), and seeing them follow you everywhere.
All the things you sewed me...my sick blanket, my dolls, clothes, a stuffed turkey, Sam's quilt.
Your chocolate icing, hamburger soup, potato cakes, fried chicken and blueberry fritters.
You sitting with me on my bed, soothing and comforting me when I felt sad and alone.
You teaching me needlework.
Making Thanksgiving stuffing together.
You always being there when I needed you.

And thank you to my lovely mama friends who show the way, set the example, and help get me through the rough patches and appreciate the good stuff...Julie, Hannah, Cathy, Cole, Kerry, Marcella, Shae, Jackie, Leah, Angie, Debbi, Katie, Kate, Heidi, Becky, Lucy, Donna, Laura, Carla, Phyllis, Sandy, Jen, Sharon, Sheri, Sandra...and most especially Melissa, the very best mom anyone could ask for or imagine...you are my go-to girl always.

And to my baby---you are the very best part of my life.

Guess the common theme

2008-05-04T22:21:00.002-04:00

Mickey Mouse Club
Strawberry Shortcake
Campus Queen
The World of Dr Suess
Flintstones
Yogi Bear
Pac-Man
Spiderman & Hulk
Julia
Flipper
Harlem Globetrotters
Kid Power!
Polly Pal
Junior Miss
Rose Petal Place

Guess the theme as it relates to me and you might win a prize!

Guest Blogger: Wa in Foreign Lands

2008-05-03T00:05:00.002-04:00

Dear Warren has consented to be a guest blogger and share with you his delightful personality as he recounts his recent jaunt to Costa Rica...enjoy!

Costa Rica 2008!!!

So, Jeff and I went to Costa Rica this month (I know I know, I haven't shut up about it for weeks) and I thought I would keep a little travel log about our vacation to Costa Rica to help, as Alzheimer’s sets in, remember what a lovely time we had. You know me, don't have a private bone in my body, so of course I have to share it. Please enjoy, it is rather long, but who am I to pretend I am not a windbag.

Sunday, April 20th : Arrival

After a shockingly less than obnoxious flight from BWI to Atlanta to San Jose, we met our driver du jour, Jorges, and headed out for a 3 hour trip to Arenal, Costa Rica’s most active volcano. It’s been erupting since 1968, and has killed dozens and dozens of people over the years so of course extensive work has been done to turn this into a major tourist destination. The highlight of the drive is that most of the roads are paved and Jorges tends to stop for stop signs and red lights. Not so much for pedestrians but they are obviously quite numerous and easily replaced.

We arrive at the Tabacon Spa and Thermal resort. This is a very Chi-Chi place, guests are greeted with cool drinks and scented cloths with which to refresh while checking in. They have the very special dining patio and at the spa one can have volcanic rocks placed on your delicates, have your chi reoriented, or visit the sweat lodge for a not insubstantial sum of money. Given that we are in the middle of the freaking rain forest in Central America and every move makes one sweat buckets, the desire for a sweat lodge is not high on my list. So, anyway, very Chi-Chi, right? So it makes me wonder even more why such a Chi Chi place would put a floor length mirror in each bathroom directly across from the commode. Who wants to see that when they are doing THAT?!?!? Not 5 star treatment in my book!

Sunday, April 20th: Dinner with the ass face woman

So, Jeff and decide to go to the restaurant and sit for what turns out to be an 8 course meal. Who knew there could be 8 courses? This is quite delightful. Our table is very nice and Jeff has a direct view of the pool with the natural waterfall with the volcano in the background. I have a direct view of the backside of a 45+ woman (aka "ass-face woman") who thought it would be wise to wear skin tight low rise jeans and a pink thong with the tag still attached while she screeched at her 3 kids to sit down and be polite. Note to self: send strongly worded complaint to original designer of thong and skinny jeans.

Monday, April 21st: Hike to Volcano

We were joined on this hike by 2 other couples, Geoffrey (pronounced Joffrey) and Nancy (pronounced Pain in the ass) and Carol and John. To get to the volcano we had to drive on a road so pockmarked with pot holes I regretted not investing in a sports bra (note to self: manboobs are never a good thing). Trekking through the rain forest on a day that would make Bawlmore’s muggiest seem a breath of fresh air was an experience best described as moist. Of course we saw many amazing things: toucans (fruit loop birds as Nancy screeched) and orchids all over the place. We also heard this odd noise throughout that we discovered upon arriving at the lava field was the sound of boulders rolling down the freakin volcano. Very exciting to see the mountain moving, very foolish to have passed 3 “you are entering an active volcano site: enter at your own risk” signs to stand at the bottom of said volcanic mountain. The video tape is expected to be excellent!

Tuesday, April 22nd: Visit the actual Hot Springs

So we go to the luxurious hot springs. Please note these are not “warm” springs, not “toasty” springs. They are hot. Turns out that they are so hot, I get palpitations. For the record, passing out in hot springs, heated by a very local volcano, is not my definition of “luxurious.” However, I did discover that in the event of an emergency, I have gained enough weight to in fact be my own flotation device. The bad news is my backside (thongless for the record) is the most buoyant part which results in a face down position. You take the good, you take the bad……

Wednesday, April 23rd: River boat ride

Today we took a boat ride in the northern part of Costa Rica. It was a long lovely ride seeing all the sites. We finally got to see Howler Monkeys as they were lining the river the entire time (and howling every time the boat passed by). Getting pictures of the howlers is a challenge as you want to get close enough to get good pictures but not so close as to get hit by the poo they throw at you, which is, apparently, their“thing." Fortunately, we remained poo-less. Our river guide thought it would be exciting to secretly smuggle us into Nicaragua and later we got to crawl under the border fence to sneak back into the country. I must say, it was a little bit thrilling. And now that I have first hand experience at the fear of border patrols, the desperation of remaining out of jail and the pain of barbed wire scraping your back just before is snags your under nothings, I feel I can now genuinely enter the immigration debate in an intelligent manner and look forward to doing so one day soon!

Wednesday, April 23rd: second fancy dinner

So, again I am faced with ass face woman at dinner. This time, I am face to face rather than face to ass. Unfortunately, not a significantly better view.

Thursday, April 24th: Off to the beach

After a 5 hour drive, Jeff and I arrive at the Parador hotel and immediately after checking in, we head to the beach. This is our first chance to try out the new mega sun block at a sun proof factor of 80!!!!!!

Turns out, dead fish belly white don’t tan, but it still burns!!!

Thursday, April 24th: All you can eat buffet

SCORE!!!! For a mere $53.00 per person, we got to eat as much lobster, sirloin, filet mignon, Mahi Mahi, Tuna, chicken as we want (screw the cheap ass salad bar, I only go high end!) See the thing about all you can eat places is they think they are gonna make money on each individual cause nobody ever eats that much. Well, one of the advantages of having absolutely no abdominal muscle tone is the fact that you fit well more than 53 freaking dollars worth of food in me!!! Marcella would have been very ashamed of me but I have to do what I have to do.

Friday, April 25th: bought some wood bowls

I love wood bowls. I would eat 10 pounds of horse shit if it came in a nice wood bowl!!!

Sunday, April 27th: Dinner out

We got to meet up with Mary Ann Rodavitch for dinner with her and her family at their hotel. The place is so twisted up in the jungle on the side of a mountain that each individual place is accessible only by golf cart. Dinner and company was excellent.

Monday, April 28th: return trip home

Screaming baby, screaming baby, screaming baby, screaming baby, screaming baby, screaming baby Screaming baby, screaming baby, screaming baby, screaming baby, screaming baby, screaming baby Screaming baby, screaming baby, screaming baby, screaming baby, screaming baby, screaming baby Screaming baby, screaming baby, screaming baby, screaming baby, screaming baby, screaming baby Screaming baby, screaming baby, screaming baby, screaming baby, screaming baby, screaming baby Screaming baby, screaming baby, screaming baby, screaming baby, screaming baby, screaming baby Screaming baby, screaming baby, screaming baby, screaming baby, screaming baby, screaming baby Screaming baby, screaming baby, screaming baby, screaming baby, screaming baby, screaming baby

Every 5 years

2008-04-27T22:48:00.002-04:00

Where were you...

1970: Two years old, living with my parents in Texas. Mom stayed home with me and I liked to bang on pots and pans, swim, and look at myself in the shiny step trash can.

1975: Seven yo, living in Catonsville with my mom, though spending large chunks of time at my grandparents' house in Brooklyn. My parents were separated and going back and forth with their relationship, not telling me a thing, and my mom was seriously depressed. I was a latch key kid and loving the solitude and autonomy. My best friend was Kelly, who lived down the block. I was insanely jealous of my friends who went to Catholic school. I was desperate to go to Catholic school for some reason.

1980: 12 yo, living at my grandparents' house with my mom. In 7th grade, arguably the very best grade of my school career. I went to school a one hour/2 bus ride away, had tons of homework, tons of awesome friends. On weekends I either went to my dad's or took the bus downtown to meet my friends and scamper around H-place.

1985: 17 yo, living in CV with my mom, in 11th grade. In the midst of a serious depression which ultimately resulted in a serious suicide attempt and withdrawl from school. One of the worst years of my life, I felt completely alone and awful and yet imprisoned by my crazy ass parents.

1990: 22 yo, living in Cville again, renting the basement apt in my mom's house with my new husband J. Working full time as a receptionist, going to school on and off, having lots of parties, seeing lots of concerts. Happy in some ways but struggling in others. Adopted the Pam-Cat.

1995: 27 yo, living in Mt Washington with E. Been divorced for a few years now, now working part time and almost finished my BA. Loving my internship at CB, becoming friends with Wa, Ken, Patricia, Shannon et al. Have my Pam & Ike cats.

2000: 32 yo, living with E in our house in CV. Finished my MSW last year, still working at CB but have been promoted. E is getting sick, needs a biopsy; it's scary. We get married in our house with a small group of close friends and family.

2005: 37 yo, same house, same job, but the family composition has changed: We have a Sammy! He is 3. Pammy died 2 yrs ago and we adopted Miranda since Ike was so lonely. My grandfather passed away four years ago.

Thus far, 2008: My grandmother was diagnosed with dementia and moved into an assisted living facility in PA. My uncle and aunt moved to SC. Sam started kindergarten. Iky got cancer, lived for a few years with treatment, and recently died.

Me too, stolen

2008-04-23T21:37:00.002-04:00

TECHNOLOGY

Q. What is your wallpaper on your computer? yellow tulips
Q. How many televisions you have in your house? 1 in the living room. One in the big bedroom

BIOLOGY

Q. Are you right-handed or left-handed? right
Q. Have you ever had anything removed from your body? mole on my lower back that made the anesthesiologist nervous when i got my epidural
Q. What is the last heavy item you lifted? sam, all 53 lbs of him when he asked me to carry him upstairs on my back
Q. Have you ever been knocked out? almost when i ran into a door frame while playing Chase with the Pam-Cat

BULLSHITOLOGY

Q. If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die? maybe; yes if i were sick
Q. If you could change your name, what would you change it to? something with a K sound...Kailee, Katie, Kelly...or Ginger, which I love for unknown reasons
Q. What colour do you think looks best on you? blue or green. really anything but white/cream/yellow/brown is fine
Q. Have you ever swallowed a non-food item? yep

DAREOLOGY

Q. Would you kiss a member of the same sex for $100? i don't need money
Q. Would you allow one of your little fingers to be cut off for $200,000? no
Q. Would you never blog again for $50,000? maybe; how you gonna stop me?
Q. Would you pose naked in a magazine for $250,000? no
Q. Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1,000? probably
Q. Would you, without fear of punishment, take a human life for $1,000,000? no

DUMBOLOGY

Q: What is in your left pocket? not a thing
Q: Is Napoleon Dynamite actually a good film? i haven't seen it, much to the disbelief of my husband who kept trying to converse with me about the other day, even though i kept saying "I haven't seen it!"
Q: Do you have hardwood or carpet in your house? hardwood
Q: Do you sit or stand in the shower? stand
Q: How many pairs of flip flops do you own? 1 may have none, they all fell apart at end of last summer

LASTOLOGY

Q: Last person who texted you? husband
Q: Last person who called you? one of my clients, can't remember which call came last, the calls come nonstop all day
Q: Person you hugged? samster

FAVOURITOLOGY

Q: Number? 3
Q: Season? summer b/c of swimming!
Q: Colour? purple

CURRENTOLOGY

Q: Missing someone? iky
Q: Mood? pleasant and calm
Q: Listening to? the guys at the Punjab store behind my house talking in the alley
Q: Watching? gettin ready to watch the Idol. bye, brooke :(
Q: Worrying about? why i never get to see melissa anymore
Q: Wearing? blue shirt with little white flowers & dark blue shorts

RANDOMOLOGY

Q: First place you went this morning? took Sam to school
Q: What can you not wait to do? go to the pool
Q: Do you smile often? all the time
Q: Are you a friendly person? usually

for Larry

2008-04-20T21:50:00.002-04:00

ashes and dust

you filter through
my fingers today into
the vast murky
blue below

i can remember
the sweatshirt you sent
from your New York show
i still have it, twenty
years later, i will never
throw it away

it's all i have
of you, that and pictures
of your panel and tabloids
after your death

i love that you always
spelled my name wrong
you didn't finish
school but i did
because you were
gone but not forgotten

my mother told me
she asked
you for that favor: watch
over my daughter

thank you

Why I Love Wa

2008-04-17T17:22:00.003-04:00

Nobody is lukewarm about Warren. People love him, people hate him. A lot of people are terrified of him. He is mighty intense. I love when people say "I think Warren might be mad at me." Oh, no, honey, if you have to ask, he's not mad. If he is pissed at you, you will know. There's not a passive-agressive bone in his body.

He's got high standards, and if you have an ethical failing, watch out. He is loyal to a fault and expects the same. He doesn't take any shit. But he will listen when you say you're sorry, and if he says he is letting it go, he means it.

Even those who hate him respect him. It's really hard not to when he is so straight forward. You can trust him with your life and he will be there when you need him, provided you do not come bearing orange-dusted food or try to touch his neck (or other sensitive parts). He's not a hugger but he will give you one when you really need it.

He's wicked funny with a sick and twisted sense of humor. He will visit animal shelters with me for fun, which not many people will, though he gets us in trouble by going into rooms marked "keep out." He eats Berger cookies every day. He has the bladder of an eight-months-pregnant woman.

He's a unique, endearing, complicated, cynical, sensitive person. He is one of my closest friends and most favorite people.

Love you Wa. I'm saving a bag of Cheetoes just for you.

Didn't know it

2008-04-14T21:09:00.007-04:00

I've written poetry since I was a grade schooler, pretty much the standard fare, though I did have a teacher in 6th grade who went loopy over it. Then adolesence was filled I am sure with lots of maudlin, dramatic crap, though again I had some teachers who liked it. I was admitted to a poetry workshop at a summer humanities camp when I was 13; when I got to camp I discovered that out of the 100 or so kids there, most had tried to get in for the poetry track but were accepted instead for their 2nd or 3rd place choices. I was one of only about 10 kids selected for poetry. The camp itself I hated, but the poetry classes were amazing.

When I was in college I took another poetry workshop with my favorite professor. We wrote and critiqued in three hour long sessions, outside in the sun. It was fabulous. My professor took me aside a few weeks in and gave me the news: she said I had what it took to be a "real" working poet, like Sharon Olds or Pamela White Haddas, but I needed to start writing for several hours a day, every day, if I wanted to give it a shot.

I told J and he was more excited than I was. I think he loved the idea of having a wife who was a poet. Very chic, very arty. However, for me the idea of spending my life immersed in my poems meant a life stewing in pain and despair and terror. My poems are not pretty. My ultimate goal in writing a poem is to convey emotions vividly enough to induce physical sensation in the reader: nausea, shivers, tears. So the process of writing that poem is often quite harrowing.

While certainly satisfying to know I have some talent, I didn't need to think too long about whether to pursue poetry as a career. I knew I could not do that and also have a reasonably happy life. Obviously others can, but for me, it was a one-way ticket to the bell jar. I don't have the glamourous title of Poet, but I also don't have my head in the oven, which seems like a good deal to me.

Where'd you get that?

2008-04-13T22:13:00.002-04:00

Sam gets from me:
strange need to put his feet on top of things
skin coloring & ability to tan
eye/head/mouth shape
teeth
body size & shape
silliness
extreme emotional sensitivity
perfectionism
artistic abilities
love of games
math ability
flair for the dramatic

Sam gets from E:
eye color
nose
cheekbones
ability to focus
tendency toward introversion
aversion to strangers
sensory integration issues
love of science

Dreams and recovery

2008-04-12T15:11:00.008-04:00

I thought Sam was doing ok with losing Ike, and then Thursday night, about an hour after I went to bed, he awoke sobbing. He had a dream about Iky. Amidst sobs and screams, he howled "I miss Iky! He was my first pet! He was my best friend! I want more time!" Nothing I could do would soothe him. Finally, after over an hour, we all sat on the living room sofa and watched Thomas episodes.

Miranda keeps looking in every corner of the house for Ike. She is glued to our sides and the other night pretty much chased me into bed.

I just feel hollowed out, and feel a need to be surrounded by cats. I am thinking about volunteering at the SPCA soon. Everyone in my life has been just lovely to me: I got a card at work, many many emails, and one dear friend even made a donation to an arboreteum in Ike's name. So I feel blessed at the same time as I feel sad.

Go gently, sweet boy

2008-04-09T20:50:00.004-04:00

I drove to Clarksville this morning, just me and Ike. Iky, who would usually scream the whole way, made one sad cry and then was silent. The night had been miserable, with E and I taking turns lying next to Ike on the floor, watching him breathe heavily and groan and cry.

I carried Ike into the dimly lit consultation room and sat on the sofa holding him. Then he struggled off to sit on the cool floor; I sat with him, stroking his shiny black head. Because he was so anemic and there might be trouble getting a vein, the vet gave him a sedative, but Ike still didn't relax, he just seemed bothered by the taste in his mouth from the medicine. The vet shaved his leg and found the vein easily. Quickly, peacefully, silently, Ike finally relaxed in my arms. His head softened onto the crook of my elbow as she said "He's gone."

My dear little cat, my friend for the last 16 years, where would I have been without you through all those lonely days, when every human had disappointed me, hurt me? I can feel your warm furry body, hear your rhythmic purring, smell your freshly groomed scent. For a long time it was just you and me and Pammy. We lost her together, and I hope you are somewhere together again. I have loved you and cherished you more than I can ever describe, and I will miss you forever. You were one of a kind.

In Memory of Ike

Eisenhower Brinsley

January 1992-April 9, 2008

Say goodnight

2008-04-08T21:41:00.006-04:00

So we took Ike to the vet this morning, and indeed we are at the end. We decided to bring him home so that Sam could say goodbye. Now we are waiting.

I will miss Ike's nightly "hunts," which involve incessant yowling as he struts around the house, sometimes for five minutes, sometimes for 20. Years ago he hunted pizza menus during this process. For the past few years it's been his "sock," a very ratty sock-like cat toy. It is difficult to convey how loud this yowling can get. Like where-did-he-get-a-microphone loud. Before Sam was born, and our hours became more unpredictable, he would "close up shop" every night while we prepared for bed. One night when I was pregnant we stayed up until 4 a.m., watching a movie. After about 1 a.m., Ike strolled through the room every 20 minutes or so, giving us the evil eye and doing the cat version of harumphing. Apparently he couldn't retire until we did. He was not pleased.

Soon my nights will be far too quiet, for my little lion will no longer be protecting me. I will miss my boots cat more than I can say.

16 years

2008-04-07T23:53:00.004-04:00

J and I had a lovely little cat named Pam. She would watch us leave for work or parties or the movies, staring out the living room window. She seemed lonely, and we thought she needed a cat friend. To make the adjustment easier for her, we wanted to get a kitten.

It was mid-March and there were only two 8-week old kittens in my favorite shelter, the one from which I adopted Pam, and where I had volunteered long ago. Two brothers, one black and the other a classic "boots cat": black with white boots, tummy and face. Little Boots Cat, I immediately knew was my Iky.

Iky was the silliest kitten. He and his brother gave great chase around the room, irritating the few adult cats to no end. Ike would run into one, be hissed at, and back up, cartoon-like. He seemed to instantly like me, climbing up my pants leg, then my sweater, and finally perching on top of my head, a trick he performed several times.

We left to think it over, though I knew I wanted Iky. The next day I was working, but J had a the day off, and I begged him to go get Iky before someone else snapped him up. While at the shelter, J called me to say he might get an older cat--he was afraid Iky would get on Pam's nerves. I took a deep breath and told him to do what he felt was best.

When I came home from work, I found to my great delight, a freshly adopted Iky. He emitted a high-pitched squawk, crawled into my lap, and became my very first baby.

Ike is now 16 and has had cancer for the past few years, successfully treated with a simple chemo regimen. In the past two days he has suddenly, rapidly gome downhill. Best case scenario, he has some minor gastritis which can be treated...but in all likelihood, Iky is probably coming to the end of his road. He has been my snuggle buddy, my pal, my friend. He is chock full of personality and I can tell endless stories about his escapades. It makes me immeasurably sad to think my time with him might be almost over. I can't believe it's been 16 years.

Mother's love

2008-04-06T21:46:00.002-04:00

He is in the bath late tonight, because we spent the late afternoon eating ice cream and looking at pictures of dogs at the bookstore, then ate the standard quick dinner (nuggets and broccoli) before getting ready for bed. Normally I would skip the bath, but lordy, the boy is smelly and must be cleaned before school tomorrow. The bath water is scarily brown when he steps out and into his shark towel. Because it is late, he is grouchy and distracted and just won't listen. I find myself getting angry and tell him so, very calmly, you're not listening to me and it's making me feel very angry. He begins to cry and says now I hate him. Oh, it sounds like drama but he later tells me he thought that meant I didn't love him anymore. And I tell him, no matter what you do, no matter how angry I am, I will never never hate you and will always always love you, love you the best, the most. I hope he can feel that to his core, because it is etched into my bones and muscles, stains my skin and whispers inside my blood.

Crush(ed)

2008-04-05T20:46:00.002-04:00

She is lovely. Tall, rail thin with long, light brown hair that she piles on top of her head like a nest. Her blue eyes are enormous and haunted. She doesn't smile often in her shyness, but when she does, her face lights and her kewpie-doll lips turn her girlish. She plays guitar and tends the sick and skates derby. She is my kind of girl.

Because he rocks, and appears delicious

2008-04-04T23:50:00.002-04:00

Post American Idol, E sees me calling in to vote:

"Who are you voting for?"

"David Cook"

"OK. And who else?"

"David Cook"

"What number is David Archuleta?"

"David Cook is #8."

Three Times a (Painted) Lady

2008-04-03T22:58:00.002-04:00

One

Age 15, my mom and I are finally getting our own place after six years of being told that we could be moving out of my grandparents' house ANY TIME NOW! Like we are twenty-something first-time roommates, together we plow through the newspaper, walk around neighborhoods, and look at apartments. I campaign hard for CV; it's near school, near my friends and in the thick of the northern portion of the city that has become my home base since I started school up here in 7th grade.

I find our apartment in a big old building. It's on the 8th floor. There is a gorgeous lobby, staff at the front desk who will screen your phone calls if you wish (a LIVE answering machine!), a little grocery store in the basement, and a Chinese restaurant on site. I am in heaven. The building is "no kids" but I convince them of my advanced maturity by pulling out the Class President card, and we move into #842.

The next three years here will be some of the hardest of my life, but being in CV tempers the awfulness somewhat. I love the Greenway pharmacy, Casey's restaurant where my friend Laura waitresses, walking to Hopkins fair. I become an expert parallel parker and develop my life-long disdain for people who think it's their God- (or municipality) given right to park exactly in front of their home.

Two

Age 24, leaving my marriage and turning my life inside out, I head immediately to CV from the suburbs when I look for an apartment. I check out a few places, and on a whim stop by the building I admired in my teen years. Designed by a famous architect, it's on the busiest retail block and behind the stucco walls is a large, lush courtyard. I see a tiny but beautiful "junior one bedroom" and take it on the spot. It has gleaming hardwood floors, French doors to the bedroom, antique wall sconces, and the biggest closet ever seen (which I will soon fill with no less than a chest, a file cabinet, my clothes, and more stuff than you can imagine).

I live in my little sanctuary for two years. I love shopping across the street. When a blizzard happens, my suburban friends may be snowbound, but I walk a few steps to the grocery, the Chinese take-out, and a bookstore. I go for long walks in the morning, winding through the city streets and exploring the surrounding neighborhoods. At night I might walk to a concert or my favorite Thai restaurant. I love the sounds of the traffic and the college students outside the pub. One Sunday morning there is a festival on my street and I awaken to a bagpipe serenade. My windows are enormous, and my cats happily sunbathe, stomachs up and paws pressed against the screens.

Three

After living together for several years on the edge of the city/suburb line, E and I are looking for a house to buy. Every time I pass the 28th Street exit on the JFX, I feel a pull toward home . E is not a fan of city life, but with the lure of lower prices I drag him to CV to look at the Victorian townhouses. In the very first house, he is blown away by the beauty and character of the home, and this sells him on the area. We soon find our own little house, a rehabbed beauty with a fireplace and Corian counters.

Though I would love to have a big old house with a yard in a leafy neighborhood, it pains me to think of giving up my CV life. The Saturday farmer's market...lunch at Donna's on Sunday afternoons...unlimited free books from the Book Thing...coffee and browsing at Barnes & Noble...walks with Sam to discover jewels like a leaded glass "sailboat" basement window in a nearby house, or the robot that lives in another storefront window....skating in the parking lot a block over....the sound of traffic at night in the summer, when the windows are open to the breeze.

I feel a part of this corner of town, and I'm not going anywhere else this time. It's home.

Night terror

2008-04-02T22:59:00.004-04:00

My sweet boy wakes up screaming; he rambles unintelligible terrified mutterings between deep sobs. I hold him, kiss his blonde head, tell him it's alright. He settles intermittently, whimpering and then sitting up again to sob and keen.

Because there was a time when this occured several times a week, I know what to do for this neurological quirk: turn on the lights (even though he is asleep he will see shadows and incorporate them into whatever scary event is in his dream), soothe him any way I can, don't try to wake him. Sometimes it's 10 minutes, sometimes several hours.

It hurts to hear him cry this way, to see him so miserable and know he can't hear or see me. But I try to reach him through the scent of my body that nursed him, through my touch on his skin, my voice that sings and laughs with him in daylight. And from somewhere in his terror state, he knows I am there, grabs hold of me and begins to settle into a more peaceful sleep.

In the morning he will not remember. To me, he will seem more precious, more vulnerable. More mine.

Nablopomo/Why I Love Cole

2008-04-01T22:09:00.004-04:00

Ok. In an effort to kick my blog self in the ass, I am being inspired by Laura and doing this whole nablopomo thing. Wish me luck.

Cole previously did a series I loved, Why I Love....so I'm gonna do that!

and in her honor...

Why I Love Cole

Cole is quirky, opinionated, sweet, loud. She is confident and insecure at the same time. She's got a rockin sense of style, from her Christmas tree full of white birds to her vintage needlepoint pattern tattoo. She's a rad cook; I am especially a fan of her Hard Lemonade and that cake with the bazillion layers. She lets her kids run around naked. At the pool, she leans in conspiratorally and tells me that she loathes dear Chica, her carbon-copy firecracker of a daughter. She devotes herself wholeheartedly: to her husband, her kids, art, nursing, food, her friends. She is passion embodied and when I picture her, I see a smile with perfect teeth, hair red or black or brown, eyes dancing, a tiny piercing in her nose. I hear her talking, talking, talking; she always has a great story and I love the "verbal diarrhea" she apologizes for. She always calls me honey and she is never boring.

She's an amazing woman and I am proud to call her my friend.

xxoo, cole :)

Starring the formerly MIA....

2008-03-24T13:32:00.002-04:00

Yes, I still exist. I have not posted for ages because of 1) life and 2) I have felt like all kinds of crap intermittently over the past few months. For your sharing-in-misery pleasure:

Allergies...hopefully this explains my excessive sleepiness which hits in waves and has caused me to miss several days of work (one day the sleepiness was so out of control I took a pregnancy test--negative)...and the lovely allergic spottings of red welts around my eyes are back too. pretty.

Depression....featuring paranoia-level feelings that many of my friends are avoiding me, that scores of people are angry with me, that I am raising my child in a most incompetant way, etc etc.

IBS Attacks!!...no, not a kitschy film. Evil stomach-cramp episodes that come out of nowhere and render me a pathetic, feverish lump on the bathroom floor.

Good ol stress...a revolving door of staff...crazy financial strain...continuous coverage of multiple caseloads for like, over a year...

Winter...I must say I felt 3000% better when we had a warm Saturday with windows open.

I have been reading a lot, on average at least one book per week.
Today I have wretched cramps and have sneezed about 50 times in the last 24 hours.

That is all for now...
Will try to come up with something less melancholy and more interesting!

You shouldn't have

2008-01-10T00:25:00.000-05:00

Thanks Cole!!

I nominate:

Urban Rez
Queen of Hyperbole
Esperanza
Sex Ed in Higher Ed
Amalah

Crafting family

2007-12-30T16:17:00.000-05:00

Just when my DH is grating on every last nerve and I want to throw him out of the window, he goes and does things that make me smile and remember why I love him. To wit:

My little one has been fairly obsessed with learning to knit since this summer, when he watched Ella learn under the tutelage of her German grandma. I myself never learned, despite Kate's best efforts when I was a teenager; I just could never get it. As one of his Christmas gifts, I gave Sam a knitting kit: needles, yarn, a how-to guide for kids & the promise that we would figure it out together. I was kind of assuming I would need to take a knitting class to really start learning so that I could teach Sam.

So Sam was very excited about the knitting, and immediately wanted to learn. Problem is, with my poor mechanical ability, I can't get beyond "casting on" from the book. Of course I immediately put in a SOS call to the amazing Debbi who has cheerfully promised to assist.

Now, DH had been on the periphery of this whole process. He is not crafty and doesn't really get why Sam is so gung-ho to knit. But the next day, here comes the husband with a little bracelet he has knit for Sam. Calling upon his hardscrabble Mississippi youth that for some reason included learning macrame, DH stayed up until 4 a.m. until he figured out the basics of Knitting 101.

Sam is delighted with his new jewelry which evidently has superpowers, including the ability to shapeshift you into various animals. And I am delighted that his dad made it for him.

150 things

2007-12-14T23:45:00.000-05:00

What have you done? Highlighted are mine...

01. Bought everyone in the bar a drink
02. Swam with wild dolphins
03. Climbed a mountain
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
08. Said “I love you” and meant it
09. Hugged a tree
10. Bungee jumped
11. Visited Paris
12. Watched a lightning storm at sea
13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise
14. Seen the Northern Lights
15. Gone to a huge sports game
16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
18. Touched an iceberg
19. Slept under the stars
20. Changed a baby’s diaper
21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
22. Watched a meteor shower (in a pond at night)
23. Gotten drunk on champagne
24. Given more than you can afford to charity
25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
27. Had a food fight
28. Bet on a winning horse
29. Asked out a stranger
30. Had a snowball fight
31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
32. Held a lamb
33. Seen a total eclipse
34. Ridden a roller coaster
35. Hit a home run
36. Danced like a fool and didn’t care who was looking
37. Adopted an accent for an entire day
38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for a day
39. Had two hard drives for your computer
40. Visited all 50 states
41. Taken care of someone who was drunk
42. Had amazing friends
43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
44. Watched whales
45. Stolen a sign
46. Backpacked in Europe
47. Taken a road-trip
48. gone rock climbing
49. Midnight walk on the beach
50. Gone sky diving
51. Visited Holland
52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love
53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger’s table and had a meal with them
54. Visited Culebra
55. Milked a cow
56. Alphabetized your CDs
57. Pretended to be a superhero
58. Sung karaoke
59. Lounged around in bed all day
60. Played touch football
61. Gone scuba diving
62. Kissed in the rain
63. Played in the mud
64. Played in the rain
65. Gone to a drive-in theater
66. Visited the Great Wall of China
67. Started a business
68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
69. Toured ancient sites
70. Taken a martial arts class
71. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight
72. Gotten married
73. Been in a movie
74. Crashed a party
75. Gotten divorced
76. Gone without food for 5 days
77. Made cookies from scratch
78. Won first prize in a costume contest
79. Ridden a gondola in Venice
80. Gotten a tattoo
81. Rafted the Snake River
82. Been on television news programs as an “expert”
83. Gotten flowers for no reason
84. Performed on stage
85. Been to Las Vegas
86. Recorded music
87. Eaten shark
88. Kissed on the first date
89. Gone to Thailand
90. Bought a house
91. Been in a combat zone
92. Buried one/both of your parents
93. Been on a cruise ship
94. Spoken more than one language fluently
95. Performed in Rocky Horror
96. Raised children (in the process)
97. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
98. Passed out cold
99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
102. Sang loudly in the car, and didn’t stop when you knew someone was looking
103. Had plastic surgery
104. Survived an accident that you shouldn’t have survived
105. Wrote articles for a large publication
106. Lost over 100 pounds
107. Held someone while they were having a flashback
108. Piloted an airplane
109. Touched a stingray
110. Broken someone’s heart
111. Helped an animal give birth
112. Won money on a T.V. game show
113. Broken a bone
114. Gone on an African photo safari
115. Had a facial part pierced other than your ears
116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
118. Ridden a horse
119. Had major surgery
120. Had a snake as a pet
121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
122. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
124. Visited all 7 continents
125. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
126. Eaten kangaroo meat
127. Eaten sushi
128. Had your picture in the newspaper
129. Changed someone’s mind about something you care deeply about
130. Gone back to school
131. Parasailed
132. Touched a cockroach
133. Eaten fried green tomatoes
134. Read The Iliad - and the Odyssey
135. Selected one “important” author who you missed in school, and read
136. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
137. Skipped all your school reunions
138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
139. Been elected to public office
140. Written your own computer language
141. Thought to yourself that you’re living your dream
142. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
143. Built your own PC from parts
44. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn’t know you
145. Had a booth at a street fair
146. Dyed your hair
147. Been a DJ
48. Shaved your head
49. Caused a car accident
150. Saved someone’s life

All I can think about

2007-12-07T21:09:00.001-05:00

Today I went to a funeral for a relative. Jean was in her 80s and had suffered from Alzheimer's for a number of years. I am close to her daughter Kitty, who is married to my youngest uncle. The services at the church and cemetary were simple and lovely. But I could not stop thinking about another funeral just a few weeks ago, for Gail, David, Meagan and Brandon.

Gail and her children were murdered on Thanksgiving by her ex-husband, the children's father. These kids watched their mother be killed by their dad, and then one by one he killed each child. Gail was family to one of my dear friends. My friend is heartbroken and stunned and shattered. I am so so sad-- for her, for Gail, for the children.

In memory of Gail and her children, please consider donating your time and/or money to the cause of preventing, stopping and healing from domestic violence. An agency in Baltimore that does great work is Turnaround, but there are many other excellent organizations. It is unfortunate that the need is so great.

Rest in peace

2007-11-24T23:48:00.001-05:00

I met Tery when we were in 5th grade. She lived on the north side of Patapsco Avenue, on 6th Street, in a huge house with about 20 relatives. She was only about seven blocks away from me but it seemed really far. Her parents were divorced and she was living with her dad and his family, from what I could gather.

Tery had crazy hair that flipped up at her temples. She was always, always smiling unless she was extremely angry. She was tomboyish and physically strong. She was so much fun and sweet and caring and generous. She never made fun of people or gossiped or acted catty in the way that girls often do.

She wasn't the best at reading social cues and could be mentally draining. Tery would come over to my house in the afternoons and we would play all kinds of goofy dress up games, play with my dogs, eat. She was always hungry. Once I was worn out from spending hours with her and had to sneak away to ask my grandmother for help in getting her to go home without hurting her feelings. My grandmother helpfully came upstairs and reminded me that I had to "go somewhere" that evening.

On our 6th grade class trip to Harpers Ferry, Tery got her first period. She told me about it. She wasn't happy about it, but didn't act embarassed or upset. She took it in stride.

I lost touch with Tery after 6th grade, when I went to a school across town. I think she moved away not too long after that. My memories of her have always remained very vivid. She had a big heart and a sunny, childlike presence.

When Tery was in her mid-20s, she met a man, fell in love and got engaged. One day while she was waiting at a red light, someone came up to her car window and shot her in the head. It was later learned that her fiance had taken out a life insurance policy on her and arranged to have her murdered.

I didn't learn Tery was dead until years later, when another 6th grade friend, Kenya, told me. Kenya and I attended the same high school and were in touch because our senior class president, who had become a psychiatrist, had just been murdered by her ex-boyfriend.

Rest in peace, Tery.
Rest in peace, Witney.
Rest in peace, Gail, David, Meagan and Brandon.

Tag--do it!!!

2007-11-11T13:16:00.000-05:00

NSTRUCTIONS: Remove the blog in the top spot from the following list and bump everyone up one place. Then add your blog to the bottom slot, like so:

1. Vaguetarian Tea Room
2. drawing on the walls
3. temporal millionaire
4. Blahblahblah
5. Ginapea

Next, select five people to tag:
1. Sharon
2. Mary
3. Jackie
4. Kerry
5. Ansu

What were you doing 10 years ago?
Working as CBHS as a case manager, living with Husband in Mt Washington though not yet married, just starting grad school

What were you doing 1 year ago?
getting to know all the families at Sam's 2nd preschool, dealing with Sam's sensory & behavior issues, trying to keep Miranda-Cat from peeing outside the litter box.

Five snacks you enjoy:
1. ice cream
2. cookies
3. sour grapes and apples
4. good black olives
5. leftovers

Five songs that you know all the lyrics to:
1. Sari by Nellie McKay
2. Comfortably Numb by Pink Floyd
3. COuntry Roads by John Denver
4. Amie by Pure Prairie League
5. Rock Lobster by B52s

Five things you would do if you were a millionaire:

work less and volunteer more
travel
get a hot tub
get nicer furniture
either move or renovate my basement (or buy my next door neighbor's house and expand!)

Five bad habits:

1. Diet Coke
2. crappy diet
3. not working out
4. laziness with finances/budget
5. staying up too late

Five things you like doing:

1. hanging out at home in my pj's doing whatever
2. sewing/crafting
3. reading
4. playing board games with friends
5. swimming

Five things you would never wear again:

1. horizontal striped mini skirts
2. acid wash denim
3. purple fishnet sneakers
4. parachute pants
5. braces

Five favorite toys as a kid:

1. dolls
2. games
3. books
4. art stuff
5. kitchen

Day/Week from Hell*

2007-10-14T12:52:00.000-04:00

*insprired by Matt Groening, Binky and Bongo

Yes indeed, I am still alive. You wouldn't know it by this blog, but it is true. Kindergarten, among other things, is kicking my ass.

Inspired by a really cool article in the Urbanite in which four daily work lives are detailed, I present A Day in the Life of a Social Worker. (aside: the football coach job? my idea of true hell. watching tapes of old games for like, 14 hours?? just set me on fire, please.)

Scene: a Thursday in Baltimore

6:15 AM: Alarm goes off. Hit snooze. Repeat.

6:58 AM: Finally get out of bed. Shower, dress. Husband corrals Sam into dressing.

7:32 AM: Leave for Sam's school. It is much colder than I suspected and I don't have time to go back for jackets. Sam has a sweater, though. Drive to Canton.

7:58 AM: Arrive at school. Wait in line with Sam, walk him to the door & wave as he enters school.

8:10 AM Walk to car & drive to work.

8:27 AM Park in the garage at work. Realize I have left all my Spanish materials at home, including my homework. Drive back home.

8:40 AM Enter my house, get my Spanish bag and a jacket. Really want to go upstairs and go back to sleep but resist the urge. Husband already asleep again and does not even hear me.

8:43 AM Stop at Donna's for iced coffee. New-fangled parking system will not give me a ticket for my 25 cents. Barista is snooty. They are out of half & half and coffee is bitter, as am I.

8:58 AM Arrive at work. AGAIN. Head to Spanish class.

12:00 PM Leave Spanish, walk to grocery by work to get lunch. Treat myself to shrimp salad sandwich and chips. Line at deli is ridiculously long.

12:22 PM Arrive in my office. Employee J is very ill and has not been able to find anyone to take his afternoon clinic shift. Arrange for the triage person to take his clinic shift; I will do triage. Arrange for someone to cover my triage should the intake I have scheduled to do with a student at 2 actually show.

12:34 PM Scarf my lunch while I read my emails, check phone messages, and review flags in the Electronic Patient Record.

1:00 PM Triage one: Young man with brain tumor (operable except he has no insurance) needs assistance with paying for his anti-seizure meds. Call government agency to check on his prescription coverage application; they confirm it was received but remind me they have 45 business days to process it. Client informs me his other government program ap was denied because the medical form was 2 days late. I instruct him to appeal that denial, and write a voucher for another week of meds. He asks me for help with his parole officer, who wants documentation of his medical problems. He signs a release form and I call the PO, who tells me what she needs.

1:30 PM Triage two: Man drops off transportation program forms that need to be sent to his doctor. He signs a release and asks me to forward the discharge paperwork from his summer hospital stay to his doctors.

1:40 PM Triages three-five: Pharmacist calls for copay assistance for three clients. One I authorize; for one I consult with his Primary Case Manager, who wants the client to see her first; and for the last I review her chart to see if she is eligible for extra assistance through one of several government programs. I have to turf this to my covering person because my intake is here.

2:12 PM Start intake with a very sweet man with HIV dementia. A student is observing. Despite my very best efforts, due to the dementia and some great difficuly with redirecting this client, the intake takes almost 2 hours.

3:58 PM Intake ends, triage resumes. Intake client will be here for several more hours, but the student is able to take over at this point.

4:00 PM Triage six: New HIV client comes in to pick up meds but has no insurance. His case manager started an emergency application last week, but her note isn't finished and she is not here because she was in a car accident this morning, and we insisted she leave the office and get checked out by a doctor. I make calls to the government program, to the CM's cell phone, and ultimately get an approval number. It only covers one of the meds, so I spend about 20 minutes getting a phone approval for a program run by a pharmaceutical company--this takes care of another med. I write a voucher to pay for the remaining meds.

4:58 PM Begin the process of finishing all the triage paperwork today. Fax medical info to Triage 1's PO. Write authorizations for pharmacy. Finish my notes. Consult with the nurse who saw Intake Guy about meds he will need tonight. Write some more vouchers for him.

6:38 PM Call Husband to let him know I am finally ready to leave. Except I have to make a stop first--one of my staff is leaving tomorrow for a new job and I need to pick up her farewell present.

6:58 PM Arrive at local mini-mall, peruse an artists' collective shop and purchase a gift.

7:30 PM Arrive home. Help Sam get ready for bed, read stories, and lie down with him while he falls asleep.

8:22 PM Eat the chicken nuggets I find in the oven, which I later learn were never actually cooked, apparently just defrosted. Collapse in front of TV.

I have absolutely no recollection of the rest of the evening before bed, but I am sure it involved TV and some minor cleaning.

The Wedding

2007-09-02T23:18:00.000-04:00

On Sunday, September 2, in our home, the long-awaited wedding of Ms. Bear (mother of Beary) and Mr. Dog (father of Spongebob the Dog) took place. The Snowman officiated in a very brief and traditional ceremony in our upstairs hall. Beary gave away the bride. The star-studded guest list included Cookie Monster, Scooby Doo, Barney, Winnie the Pooh, Tigger and many others.

The outfits of the wedding party were designed by Mr. Sam with great care. (The wedding had previously been postponed for several weeks as adjustments were needed in the designs.) The Bride wore a black and purple sheer gown and pink earrings. The Groom wore jeans and no shirt. Beary wore black socks and a pink gingham cape.

Following the ceremony, the guests adjourned to The Big Bed for refreshments (including Scooby Snacks, cookies, dog biscuits and honey) and a rousing dance party. The final entertainment was a very unrestrained wrestling match.

Stress

2007-08-30T22:59:00.000-04:00

Ack! A stressful week, a stressful day.

Sam started school. It's been a huge relief because he LOVES it and has been doing well. What's so stressful then?? A whole new schedule...driving across the city to get him there by 8 a.m....I am SO not a morning person. Though in comparision to Hubby I suppose I AM Miss Sunshine!! The ride and the schedule are going fine, I just constantly feel like I'm in a hurry and missing something. Also, I am REALLY tired because I have been having trouble going to sleep before midnight even though I'm wicked tired. I think I have been having nightmares again which keeps me awake almost involuntarily. A plus though is that I easily get to work earlier.

This AM: home to Canton to drop off Sam, then to Severn to pick up my grandmother for her doctor's appt at my office...took 30 minutes longer because of some backup on 95 and then I got off on Russell St and then I missed the MLK exit, so I got to do a little tour of UM/Lexington Market/Ravenwood etc. Fortunately Hubs came to pick her up.

Work has been another stress. Specifically I have one employee who seems to have short-circuited while I was on vacation and I am trying to rein said employee in without causing further damage, and have other staff seething and I can feel the pressure. to. fix. it. now. Actually when I think about it, I had several other staff who had mini-breakdowns while I was out too, though theirs were more private and didn't piss off anybody...it's nice to be needed, but again, the pressure!!!

Poor little Sammy took all his new school stress this week and put it in his teeth and colon. Specifically, grinding of the teeth at night--NOT a pretty sound---and dueling bouts of the D word and C word. Got an emergency call at work at 6 p.m. to COME HOME NOW, WITH GLYCERIN SUPPOSITORIES. My poor boy was all kinds of impacted, even had a fever, and relief was not granted until about 10 p.m. this evening. Then he was all smiles as he went back to bed.

Up tomorrow: a visit to the developmental pediatrician.

Clothes Make the Man

2007-08-22T22:30:00.000-04:00

My boy sure can pick his outfits.

Yesterday: wearing TWO sweatshirts and a pair of sweatpants the entire August day (though it was unseasonably chilly), his father (my own little Scarlett--"I will never be hot again"--did you know that inside a house trailer in Mississippi it gets to 120 degrees? Or was that 7000 degrees?) wondered if there was any way they could be related. Then when undressing for his bath, boy reveals that under the sweatpants is ANOTHER PAIR OF PANTS! This from the boy who normally wears NO pants at least 2/3 of the time.

This AM: Black sleeveless tee with red trim; black underpants with red trim. And a smile.

Miscellany

2007-08-17T13:55:00.000-04:00

My BFF Melissa is pregnant!!! Very unexpectedly with #3, her others are 5 and 7. She and her husband are in shock but her kids are very excited, especially Ethan, who LOVES babies and has been pleading for a baby for about two years.

When I said to Sam, "Guess who's having a baby?" his face lit up...but when I said "Auntie Melissa!" it fell a bit, and he said he had hoped it was ME having a baby. I must admit I did have a jealous twinge when I heard the baby news. This prompted general discussion of the topic with Hubby who adamantly opposes any more babies (or dogs or cats) in the household.

We went to Sesame Place this week for an overnight stay. Sam had a fabulous time playing in the water park, and we took a long intertube river ride that involved getting drenched under multiple waterfalls! Unfortunately our second day was rained out. Sam cried a bit when he heard the news but recovered nicely, and we will go back sometime in September to use our remaining tickets.

Had two lovely breakfasts this past week, one with the talkative and very very hot (*see her blog for a complicated explanation of why she is hot*) Cole and another with Christine and Ansu. Ansu is about to move to Ft. Defiance, AZ to work as a Family Nurse Practictioner on a Navajo reservation, so may not get to see her again for a while. Chris and I were planning to go swimming, but that had to be deferred due to a largely sleepness night for the family the prior night. Jackie and the girls joined Sam & me at the pool on another day for lots of fun in the sun.

Can't believe my vacation is almost over....sad. But I have gotten emails from 2 colleagues saying they miss me...and for one that is wholly uncharacteristic and very sweet! Made my day.

Special Ed Road & other stops

2007-08-08T12:34:00.000-04:00

Special Ed Road
We attended a Kindergarten party at Sam's new school today, which has made me feel good about the school choice. The teachers were lovely, the kids and parents all seem nice, and the diversity is really something. Kids in every color of the rainbow! And parents with tattoos, which always comforts me for some reason (even though I don't have any...though I am seriously thinking about an eyebrow piercing).

Sam did of course have a meltdown in the middle of the event, and one of the teachers tried to help and was very sweet and gentle. Which brings me to the results of his recent evaluations...officially Sam has been diagnosed with Pervasive Developmental Disorder NOS, but the thinking is that he likely has Asperger's. I have been reading a lot about Asperger's; he is not exactly a typical AS kid, but when the subtleties are examined, AS really fits.

Knowing that he has AS is not as upsetting as you might suspect, because I think of it as a tool to understand and help him. I have been trying to teach him some social skills in an academic kind of way, and he seems to respond. He certainly doesn't get the social cues and nuances intuitively. It's like translating a foreign language to him.

Along with (and typical for) AS, Sam also was determined to be very smart. The words "gifted" and "genius" were tossed about. His language and educational assessments were mostly average, which is obviously a discrepancy with his high IQ. Because he is not blatantly below average, the central school office felt he didn't even need an IEP and tried to deny any services! His IEP team was very supportive, however, and fought to get him the IEP. At this point, the services he will get are 30 minutes of counseling per week and 1 hour of reading comprehension support per day. The IEP team all informally agreed that he would be most appropriately placed at Lab School but of course, clinical and professional judgement mean pretty much nothing in the school system, and Sam will have to "fail" in a regular school with minimal supports. Then we can request another IEP, probably add more supports, wait for him to fail again, and do it all over again.

Of course it is POSSIBLE that he will do well and magically all the issues will vanish, but that is not realistic. I am very saddened because I know Sam has been set up to fail, as have his new teachers and school. If I was wealthy, I would just send him to Lab, but that is not a possibility, so we must continue to travel along the Special Ed Road.

Vacation Time!
I'm on vacation until 8/20!

Sam and I went to the mountains of New York (specifically Gabriel Pond in Whiting Hollow) for a few days to visit Hannah and family. We had a lovely time swimming in the lake, eating ice cream, napping in a hammock (me) and playing Harry Potter (Sam).

We plan to take a 2 day trip to Sesame Place sometime next week. Sam has an evaluation scheduled, and for the rest of the time we plan to be in the pool!

Out of control!!

2007-07-08T23:14:00.000-04:00

Today we had a lovely outdoor dinner with our friends Jackie & Raf and their two little girls, who are friends of Sam from his first school...lovely except Sam was REALLY grouchy and had several outbursts, including one where he
*got mad at Sophie because she was sitting on "his" seat on HER swingset
*when she didn't respond to his command to relocate, dumped a cold cup of water on her head
*when asked by me how I could help him calm down, requested that I "kill Daddy," who was apparently not sensitive enough to Sam's swingset needs
*refused to apologize for about an hour.

Then they all made up and played some more. For some reason as we were leaving, he called Lucy an "idiot" for no evident reason. Nice.

He then proceeded to scream all the way home because we said no to his request to watch TV when we got home. Then at home he screamed some more, before falling asleep halfway through his second bedtime story.

Saturday at the pool he punched a boy (older than Sam by a year or two thank goodness) on the arm, then was devastated when the boy punched him back. That's what happens when you hit someone!

He has been quite a handful this past week...maybe a growth spurt? Hopefully it settles soon!!

School drama

2007-07-02T12:56:00.000-04:00

I have been loathe to write this update for some time, explaining my internetz absence. Many of you know the scoop, but here is the official version:

The Plan
..for kindergarten was to apply for The Chosen Charter School, and if Sam didn't get a spot, continue at The Preschool for kindergarten. As told previously, Sam was wait listed at Charter, so private K it was.

The Dump
ONE WEEK before the end of the school year, the school's director informed us that she had decided Sam was too high needs and he could not return for K. Director's recommendation was Expensive School, which is not an option here in Reality because it costs 28 THOUSAND per year. Director helpfully suggested to "take a loan" for what would be well over half our household income for one year of school.

We began the process of ordering evaluations (language processing, neuropsych, developmental, behavioral) and starting the IEP process in the local public school, as well as trying to find a school for Sam to attend. After writing a formal appeal/grievance to The Preschool, we *finally* got the written evaluation we requested, and eventually even our deposit (gee thanks!)As of now, Sam has been offered a spot at another charter, where last week we registered him, and we are waiting to hear from a third by August 1.

Sam has been remarkably calm in dealing with all the sudden change and uncertainty. He is currently attending an Expensive but Excellent summer program at Expensive School (5 weeks for $2500!!) and is doing very very well. The student: teacher ratio is 4:1! I do wish we could keep him there but that is out of the question, unless we can get the school system to pay for it--which may be a possibility for first grade if he continues to have difficulties in kindergarten.

It's been super stressful to say the least, though so many friends have been so supportive. (Special shout outs to Julie, Hannah, Carla, Debbi and Michelle H for some great ideas and insider info!) I am trying hard not to be bitter towards The Director, though I strongly feel her actions were impulsive and unprofessional. I just want what is best for Sam and for him to have good school experiences.

So that's the scoop for now...will aim to keep all posted.

On a lighter note---
Recently I was on the computer, and Sam came upstairs bearing 2 wine glasses of milk for us to share--and he wearing not a stitch of clothing. He is quite charming, is he not? We had a nice toast.

Pics of the Season

2007-05-24T22:45:00.001-04:00

Mid-4s Class of 2007

The Purple Wildcats!!

Katherine, Clare, Grace, Aidan & Sam

Moves

2007-05-06T14:09:00.000-04:00

Why oh why are so many people moving?? It's stressing me out!
To wit:

1. Jackie and family recently moved from literally around the corner to a bigger place about 5 minutes away.

2. Karen about to do the same (same neighborhood to and from!)

3. Julie's clan is moving in mid-June from about 5 minutes away to about 15 away.

4. Hannah is moving over the summer from Brooklyn to Hastings-on-Hudson, NY.

5. My grandmother is preparing to move to a retirement community about an hour away.

6. My dear employee Katie is moving to Michigan in August.

7. Heidi is moving closer--this is a good one! She will be about 10 minutes away now! Heidi, you must join the pool!!

8. Sam's best friend at school in moving to New Jersey in June.

And I've actually been giving some fleeting thoughts to moving too. I think it's a very unlikely prospect, but I would really love to have more of a yard for Sam, and more kids for him to play with. And if we went into the county, the school dilemma for first grade would be solved. But I love love love the city and my neighborhood, and being 2 miles from work, so I don't know if the trade-off would be worth it. The neighborhoods I would really love are a bit out of our price range, though there's another that would be affordable and nice.

Oh, too much thinking!!

5 questions

2007-04-17T00:26:00.000-04:00

Participating in the blogger interview-go-round. Join if you dare! Thanks to Mr. Fab for starting the chain.

Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me."
I will respond by asking you five questions. I get to pick the questions.
You will update your weblog with the answers to the questions.
You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

My questions from Cole:

1. Who was the last person you had great sex with?
Well, it would be a mighty sad day if I had to say anyone besides Hubby, seeing as how we've been together since 1994, and I have been totally faithful to him (an accomplishment for me). And yes, I can honestly say it was Hubby! Now when....hmmm....sometime in the past few months....beyond that the memory is murky.

2. If you had more children how many would you want and boys or girls and why?
If money weren't an issue and I was home with said children, and age weren't an issue in reproduction, and Hubby were on board (lot of ifs...do you see why I only have one?), I would say definitely one more and perhaps two. Gender, I don't care, though I would like a girl just to name her after my grandmother and my great aunt.

3. If you had an extra $10,000 dollars, what would you do--practical or fun?
Definitely practical...pay off some bills. Yawn. I would do fun stuff if I got a LOT more money. then I would take some trips that did not involve EZ Pass!

4. If you could change one thing about your family, what would it be?
Meaning my own little family? Have Hubby not be sick. Meaning the wider circle? Take away my grandmother's dementia.

5. You are stranded on a dessert island and you wash ashore with what item that you feel you can not live without?
First I am assuming you mean desert, and your typing of "dessert" indicates you need some chocolate.
If I am following the letter of this question, I've got to say a very large supply of clean water, or maybe a working cell phone. Ever practical.
If I am following the spirit of the question, I would say an enormous library of fabulous books and independent magazines/zines.

News: the bad, the good

2007-04-08T15:29:00.000-04:00

School news
So the bad news:
Sam didn't get a spot at the charter school. He is #18 on the wait list!
Which means he'll stay at his current school for kindergarten, to the tune of over $5000. Ouch.

The good news:
His current school is really fantastic (except for the uber-whiteness of it). He's THRILLED to be staying there, especially since two of his three closest friends at school are also staying (the other is moving out of state).

I'm quite happy for the charter school that they had so many applicants! I just hope we can get a first grade spot next year.

We were leaning toward keeping him at current school anyway, so it's nice to have the decision made for me in a way. The main reason being that public kindergartens in general have LOOOONG days: this particular school has four 7-hour days and one 5-hour day. Much too long for Sam. Instead, he will have three 5.5 hour days and two 3-hour days. Much more reasonable.

Work news
Bad news: One of my staff left. Another one leaving in 2 weeks. Another maybe moving to Michigan over the summer. Another interviewing for a position I hope to G-d she doesn't take.

Good news: Unlike the usual year-long search for one semi-decent applicant, I have actually interviewed THREE people who I think would be excellent. (Now if the friggin HR department would ever finish their references so we could actually OFFER the positions, that might help.) Actually that would be four, but I am not counting the most recent woman because she will never accept a position with us, considering her current job pays her a ridiculous amount of money for her education level. Like more than I make as a manager with a graduate degree, an advanced clinical license and over 10 years of experience. But to be fair, her job sounds like a small hell so I am sure that is the only way her employer can keep any staff. Her job sounds wicked frustrating and more than a bit dangerous.

Other news
Bad:
My grandmother's dementia is rapidly worsening. I am now managing her medical care, medications, and much of her financial issues.

We are financially fucked. Debt beyond debt, kindergarten tuition upcoming, etc etc. It could of course be much worse, but the stress of it is REALLY getting to me.

The combination of caring for my grandmother and Sam, work, money, chronically ill Hubby, etc. is making me feel as if I am inside a pressure cooker. Having many IBS attacks.

Good:
Sam rocks. Love him.

I went to the gym last Sunday! Did 40 minutes on the treadmill and it wasn't bad at all. I really wanted to swim after but the pool was closed for some maintenence issue. My biggest issue was that my workout shoes are too tight--haven't worn them since I was pregnant, and my feet are about a half size bigger now.

Raised enough $ for my jump!

Sam now playing lacrosse. This is a very amusing spectacle. Protecting the goal? For 5 year olds, this means literally filling the goal with teammates.

Sam is also taking real gymnastics classes. They are expensive, but he loves them. He's also doing PT now along with the OT.

Still working on a post about my own educational experiences, inspired by Jackie's postings MONTHS ago. Someday, people, you might actually get to read it!

And are gerbils punk rock??

2007-03-21T23:52:00.000-04:00

Scene: Boy's bedroom at bedtime. Note: Dad is long known for his great fondness for ferrets.

Mom: So Sammy said he wants a guinea pig!

Dad: A guinea pig? Don't you want a ferret, Sammy?

Sammy: No. Ferrets are old skool.

Dad (laughing): Old skool? Where did you hear that?

Sammy: On the internet.

Dad: Where on the internet?

Sammy: ferretsareoldskool.com

****end scene****

Shout Out!

2007-02-22T00:45:00.000-05:00

I am very close to raising the amount needed in order to register for my jump! I would like to give a hearty shout out to those who have contributed thus far:

my dear girl Katie A. who is only one of three people who indicated a willingness to jump with me;
my very first social work student, Megan S., who did this very same jump several years back;
long-time friend and ex-boyfriend (you'll never live that title down) Aaron;
friend and former colleague Chauna;
friend and former colleague/board member Alfredo;
new blogging friend Heidi;
fellow preschool mom Honey Lee;
friend and HCP mom-alum Kate;
the dear Miss Velma who went to hear Eve Ensler with Cole and me;
my long-lost, separated at birth, JT & cheerleading-lovin sister Mary;
another friend gleaned from HCP and afternoons scrapbooking while her daughter got my son to clean her room, Megan R.;
friend of many years and a daredevil/risktaker extraordinairre, Trish;
friend all the way from high school, Liz;
mom in the neighborhood pal, Karen (sorry my Sam bit your Sam!);
my dearest Wa;
the incomparable Ansu;
and David C., my guide into Judaism and a damn fine papa to my dear Eve.

You are all the best!!!

Less than six degrees to Hugh

2007-02-15T22:14:00.000-05:00

I realized this weekend with a start that I am a mere five degrees away from Hugh Laurie. Debbi, that means you are only six away!!

Degree #1: my colleague and friend Kerry

Degree #2: Kerry's husband Ron

Degree #3: Ron's son Stefan

Degree #4: Stefan's bandmate Dave

Degree #5: Dave guest stars on House featuring (drumroll)

***Hugh Laurie**

Jump Around

2007-01-23T23:25:00.000-05:00

I will jumping out of a plane on April 28!

It's a fundraiser for SOAR (Speaking Out Against Rape ) . If you care to support my jump, please visit my fundraising page at http://www.firstgiving.com/ginaweaver.

Hubby is most dissatisfied with this plan, as are a number of my friends who fear for my safety. In terms of jumping, it's pretty safe--a good skydiving center, a tandem jump with an experienced jumper. And honestly, it doesn't feel scary to me (though I'm sure when I'm in the plane I will be freaking out!).

Scary is being raped. Jumping out of a plane (assuming you have a parachute!) is cake.

I have been inspired by Cole's bravery in her post today, so here goes.

the summer I was 14

M is my first real boyfriend. He persistently pursued me in that 8th grade way that spring by sending me messy, rambling notes on legal paper. I should have listened to my friend Susan's snarky suggestion to correct the grammar and send the notes back--but that wasn't, still isn't, who I am. So even though I had no interest in him, I felt sorry for him and met him at the library for that first "date."

Somehow this turns into a "relationship." We don't actually go anywhere, of course, but we do a lot of experimenting with sex and drugs and cutting school. He has a "fort" over his dad's garage, which is our private den.

One day he wants to try anal sex. It has no appeal to me but I'm pretty open to trying anything. My concern is that it will hurt. So he says, we can try it, if it does hurt, we'll just stop.

So we try it. It hurts like hell. I say stop.

He says no.

I am face down, stomach flat on the floor, feeling like I am being ripped in half and knowing I can't get up. I am pounding my fists on the floor and crying. I am being betrayed by this person I trusted. I am stupid. I am nasty. I got what I deserved.

When it's over I get dressed and take the bus to Audrey's house. I can smell the semen on my skin while I look out the window onto Roland Avenue. I don't tell Audrey what happened. Most of my friends don't even know I'm having sex. If anyone would figure it out, it would be Audrey, but I don't think she puts it together for another year or so. I don't even break up with M for a few more months, though I do get progressively more depressed and try to kill myself--landing in the hospital for several days---over the summer. I don't tell the doctors in the hospital, even the cute young resident who I really do trust. I don't speak about this day for years, and then very vaguely. The first time I actually describe exactly what happened, I am in my mid-twenties, almost 10 years later, telling my then-husband with my head covered by a pillow, ashamed even then.

So no, jumping out of a plane does not scare me all that much. Like I said, it's cake.

Happy New Year!

2007-01-01T13:02:00.000-05:00

Had a really nice New Year's Eve despite no plans....In the morning I had a wonderful breakfast with Cole....then swung bythe Y to enroll Sam is swimming and basketball for January. Later, Sam and I walked to the BMA and spent the afternoon looking at art and sketching, then came home and ate noodle soup. Sam was sooo excited about "staying up all night;" he kept asking "Is it late? Is it late??" We had a countdown to the new year at about 9:15 and, per Sam's request, went on the porch in our pajamas to shout "Happy New Year!" and bang pot lids and blow horns. Then we read his New Year's Eve book, Dumpling Soup, and another chapter of Ribsy, and Sam was sound asleep in about one minute. ( We knew he was tired when Hubby told Sam to pick out his stories, and Sam was so confused he began taking off his pajamas.)

Hubby and I watched Unfaithful, which we agreed was rather predictable and boring. However, it did elicit an interesting discussion, in which Hubby assured me he would not murder someone with whom I had an affair, but simply break his leg. I countered that I thought it was "pansy ass" to simply injure your nemesis, when doing something quiet and subtle yet life-destroying (in an emotional sense) would be much more satisfying. Fortunately this was all hypothetical!

We spent Saturday with my mother's family in Pennsylvania, at my uncle's home. Sam enjoyed playing with big cousin Matt (age 8). I talked at length to my aunt Kitty about Sam's "behavorial challenges;" she dealt with even more difficult behavior when Matt was under 5. Turns out he (along with my older cousin) has a mild case of Tourette's and improved greatly on medication. Both Tourette's and OCD are in my family, so this is definitely something to watch.

Sam woke me up early today, and I dozed off while he played--but had terrible dreams. I dreamed that a friend died, Debbi's older sons were both in the hospital due to poisonings, another friend was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, and various other unpleasant events. I was quite exhausted and stressed after that mini-nap!

Happy 30th birthday, Jesse! Hope you and Katie are enjoying London!!

Notes & a challenge to you!

2006-12-28T00:02:00.000-05:00

First up: general notes

Had another fun day with my boy...we went to visit Katie and Quinn, then all had lunch at the Double T with old friends Trish & Sheryl. Sam really took to Trish and uncharacteristically chatted her up, even choosing to stay with her while I went to pay the bill & Sheryl was in the restroom & Katie was changing Quinn's diaper. Quinn is a sweet sweet little one. Sam had a good time being the "big kid."

Then Sam & I went to Toys R Us for a new Leapster game, using Sam's xmas money from my grandmother...and they were on sale, buy one get one free! I'm not sure who was more excited, me or Sam. So now we have added Backyardigans and NASCAR (which is 2nd grade math!!) to our game collection.

The up side of all this rampant gaming is the boy is watching a lot less TV.

I still haven't made it to the gym...I really really want to get over the hump of returning to exercise this week...I always have a really hard time the first few days and then get in the swing. Hubby is extremely verbally supportive of this but what would help a whole lot more is him actually getting out of bed before noon....

And now... A Challenge to You, Dear Reader
Instead of New Year's Resolutions, create a "Top 10 Goals" list for the coming year--not quite so rigid and lets you widen your scope a bit....try it & share!!

Gina's Top Ten Goals for the 2007

1. Get back on a budget & pay off the credit cards
2. Exercise regularly & lose some weight
3. Recover my skating skills & try out for the roller derby
4. Do Operation Freefall
5. Spend more time with my grandmother
6. Resume work toward my conversion to Judaism
7. Once #1 is accomplished, save some money to take trips to visit my far flung friends, (perhaps
Eve & Richard in SF, Jen in Miami, Jenn's September wedding in Montana)
8. Learn some Spanish
9. Finish painting the damn house
10. Do more volunteer work

What would you like to accomplish this year??

Holiday ramblings

2006-12-26T12:15:00.000-05:00

Happy holidays to all!

Well after Christmas yesterday, what do I have to say....

I got an ipod! I had hoped for a 2mb or maybe 4mb nano...and my dear shopping-crazy, over-the-top mother got me a 30mb with video! egads!

Sam is really, REALLY loving his Leapster L-max. He is officially a gamer. I just ordered a recharger so we can refrain from buying our weight in batteries.

Sam and I have been playing "House Party" on the Cartoon Network website. It's actually really fun...you have to explore the Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends, do favors, go on adventures, etc. First time I've ever played a game like this.

My house is a freakin mess. It was a mess before xmas, and now add many many boxes and a 500 pc Magnetix set and what not....ugh.

I'm on vacation! Spending a lot of time in my pajamas thus far. The only plans I have as of yet are a party tonight at Julie's and a playdate in the morning with Katie and Quinn. New Year's Eve plans are up in the air, as Julie has not decided whether she's going to New York...we usually hang out with Julie & co if they stay in Baltimore. If not, we have absolutely no plans, and this is the first year that Sam is expecting something! He really wants to stay up late and make noise at midnight.

Christmas Eve was pretty mellow. Sam and I just chilled most of the day while Hubby slept later than anyone else on the planet. Well actually I did a good amount of cleaning too. Then Sam and I went to Starbucks (Sam's favorite!) and then the Tot Lot, where he was coerced into playing with a girl!! named Katya, who was a rather delightful and mature 5 year old. Then we grocery shopped and came home and had a spaghetti & garlic toast dinner. Sam was in bed on the early side and then the wrapping commenced! I couldn't sleep that night--a combination of a late afternoon frappichino and a serious bout of restless leg/ankles...so I was up reading and snuggling with Cat Ike at 3 a.m.

The day prior ,Sam and I unexpectedly spent at the mall, to his delight. We had gone to the post office to mail some holiday packages and (finally) our cards, and I really needed to pick up some stuff at the mall, completely unrelated to xmas....ran out of makeup, the product I use on ym hair, etc....the mall was crazy, as to be expected. Sam & I got Hubby's stocking stuffers (lots o'candy) and had ice cream cones and played in Tiny Town and watched kids sit on Santa's lap. That boy sure loves the mall.

If you haven't seen a video called "Dick in a Box," I highly advise you to visit www.mamapop.com and do so! It's a riot.

Back to Humankind

2006-11-30T19:28:00.000-05:00

So as a follow up to Tuesday #1 on which I sprained my ankle, Tuesday #2 featured an asthma attack at work, complete with near-vomiting, loss of bladder control, a stunningly low peak flow measurement, and a nebulizer treatment. It is very helpful to work in a medical clinic, especially where you are already a patient. I just trucked myself to the medical floor, and when unsuccessful in locating my doctor (she was with another patient), wandered into the office of one of my favorite nurses and demonstrated my lack of breathing ability, and LICKETY SPLIT, I was nebbed and awaiting a visit from the fabulous Dr. Cathy. This was the most painful asthma event I've ever had---crushing chest pain that can only be described as feeling like I was a walnut, being cracked open for your snacking pleasure. I suppose I should have been clued in earlier in the day when just talking sent me into coughing fits multiple times.

I have been home recovering for the past two days, and am finally feeling "normal" (whatever that means) again. And hoping my next Tuesday is a little less eventful!

Sam is still struggling with behavioral issues in school. Some days are fine, and others are awful. We have to have a school meeting soon. Ugh. His main teacher is very loving and concerned, but the other teacher seems really irritated. I thought I was imagining this but Hubby voiced it today and we shared our observations. I tend to cut people a LOT of slack and give the benefit of the doubt many times, and he is very much the opposite--one slight comment that he doesn't like and you may be tagged "a bad seed" (his words). Maybe it's not about Sam but her own issues, but I think Sam is picking up on it. It's quite heartbreaking to hear "my teachers don't like me" from a 4 year old. He still misses his old school and his former teacher. Part of this, I am sure, is that he was King of the Castle under his former teacher and really was allowed some special treatment. It's always difficult to give that up! But I think he feels he will be disloyal to Miss C if he likes his new teachers too much. It's also hard not being in the classroom to actually observe everything. The old school was a cooperative and parents could be there every day, all day if so desired.

Sam started an OT eval to rule out sensory integration disorder, and the OT (who he instantly adored) feels that while there may be some mild sensory issues, the central problem may be that he is very bright, and thus developmentally off track from the other kids---extremely advanced in some areas (like his superhuman powers of concentration) and behind in others. He's also got the classic emotional issues of gifted kids--perfectionism, extremely sensitive, empathic, anxious, dramatic. Oh, who knew that preschool could be so complicated????

Move along, Chester

2006-11-24T12:20:00.000-05:00

So for my holiday celebration, on Tuesday night around midnight, while furiously cleaning, I sprained my damn ankle! It actually is a pretty mild sprain. It hurt a lot at work on Wednesday but it's not bad now. I just get tired after a while. I also have another cold. Festive!

Sam has lately been Mr. Music, which primarily means his bossiness now extends to the music playing in the car. He seems to like strong beats, with a general preference for classic rock and some hip-hop, but his taste seems quite varied and sorta random. He declared the Beastie Boys to be "girl music" (??). He liked a loooong Santana jam and forced me to listen to the whole thing. But his favorite, favorite song is "Move Along" by All-American Rejects. Now the lyrics of the chorus start move along, move along just to make it through...but Sam sings move along, move along, chester make it through.

Who is this Chester? How nice he has a personal pep song playing frequently on the pop stations for him.

Tag!

2006-11-18T23:31:00.000-05:00

You can only type one word. No explanations.

Yourself: Tired
Your partner: Grouchy
Your hair: Unkempt
Your Mother: Annoying
Your Father: Narcissistic
Your Favorite Item: pictures
Your dream last night: gone
Your Favorite Drink: milkshake
Your Dream Car: Corvair
Your Dream Home: Pargo-esque
The Room You Are In: Office
Your Ex: Coward
Your fear: Harm
Where you Want to be in Ten Years? happy
Who you hung out with last night: Sammy
What You're Not: conservative
Your favorite muffins: chocolate
One of Your Wish List Items: ipod
The Last Thing You Did: Newspaper
What You Are Wearing: sweats
Your favorite weather: warm
Your Favorite Book: Bastard
Last thing you ate: burrito
Your Life: blessed
Your mood: pensive
Your Best Friends: reliable
What are you thinking about right now: Sam
Your car: empty
What are you doing at the moment: chillin
Your summer: short
Relationship status: Married
What is on your tv: Trek
What is the weather like: cold
When is the last time you laughed: today

**Thanks to Teacher Lady**

I'm back!

2006-11-07T21:47:00.000-05:00

I didn't really go anywhere, just being lazy I guess.

Sam has been coming up with some random stuff lately. This weekend we had a long talk about jail. This is interesting because when I was small, I was rather obsessed with jail. I used to BEG my parents to drive by the old Ellicott City jail. So we talked about bail bonds (a flyer on our porch for one sparked the conversation) and jail outreach (I explained that Miss Kerry and Miss Angie go into the jails to help people get doctors when they get out). Sam suggested that perhaps the REAL reason for prison outreach is "maybe [the prisoners] want to show somebody where they live!" Like a decorating show where you redesign your cell??

Today Sam insisted that we teach him Japanese. Unfortunately we do not speak Japanese. He went to bed with the promise that perhaps our friend Misao could teach him some Japanese. My personal feeling is that this interest in some way relates to his budding love of anime (to which he was exposed on our trip to Cleveland last spring, courtesy of Cartoon Network in the hotel room).

Saturday we went to a birthday party for Sam's friend Zoe. It was a ballerina party. I tried to sell Sam on the idea of participating in the ballet class but was unsuccessful, so we came late with the rest of the boys. There was a moon bounce in the back yard, and Sam excitedly ran outside for it...but when he saw it he said "Oh no, it's full of girls." Apparently girls are not good, unless they are Zoe or Sophie or Lucy or Claire or Alden or Kathryn (the one girl in his class he acknowledges).

Sunday we had a long visit with Cole and Jasper and Alden. I thought Sam would never be able to be separated from Jasper. I think he is in love. I have now heard MANY TIMES that he wants to "see Jasper every day."

I can't stand it anymore, I have to check out the election results.

please please please please please
let the tides turn

Quote of the Day

2006-10-21T23:30:00.000-04:00

Immediately upon waking, early morning:

Boy sits bolt upright and LOUDLY states, "You go to Old McDonald's and eat the food and then you poop it out."

Ah, of what dreams are made...

Near miss/close call

2006-10-19T20:02:00.000-04:00

It's my last day of driver's ed. I am in a rush to get my license because on July 1, the law changes and your probationary license lasts a year, during which you can't drive after midnight. If I get my license between my birthday on May 28 and July 1, I will only have a 6 month probation and can be out until 1 a.m. Who can get home before midnight?

My driver's ed teacher is weird and a little too familiar. He usually picks me up for our 2 hour driving sessions with another student, then I drive her home and we drive aimlessly until it's time to drive to the next student's house. One day we have to take the 40-something daughter of the driving school's owner to her beauty salon appointment in Pikesville. Then he wants to take me to lunch, which is a little weird but I am able to get him to skip it. Us 15 year olds, got to get home because we have busy busy lives, right?

Today, a Friday, I have the last session of the day. He says my driving is good but I need to work on my parallel parking. We drive to some parking lot in the northeast section. I can hear the traffic from a boulevard slightly above us. Even though we are so close to traffic it is actually pretty isolated. No one can really see us, and this huge lot is deserted.

We practice parking for a while. I'm actually pretty decent at it. Then he gives me a standard-sounding talk about the dangers of drunk driving and suggests we role-play a drunk driving scenario. It's weird, but I need to finish this class so I can get to my babysitting job at 6:30, so I say, sure.

So I am the teen who has been drinking and driving, and he is the cop who pulls me over. He asks me if I've been drinking and true to form for me, I say yes. I have a keen sense of when to lie and when to just fess up because you're going to get figured out anyway. He lectures me and then says he has to arrest me. He tells me to get in the back seat and lie down. Then he uses the seat belts in the back to strap me to the seat and tie me up.

I feel like I've very slowly fallen into a deep pit, so slowly I didn't even know I was falling. And now it occurs to me where I am. And I have no way to escape.

He stands over me for a while, just watching. We are both silent and barely breathing. The traffic hums behind him.

Then just like that, it is over. He clears his throat and unstraps me, resuming the teacher-lectute voice while he releases me. I climb into the driver's seat and drive us out of the lot, heading to Kate and Mike's house where tonight I will watch Ben while they go to the movies. During the drive there he talks about how special I am, how much he really likes me, he wants to see me again, can we meet next week?

I smile and nod and say, it's been great, thank you so much. I step onto the curb at Kate's house, dash down her sidewalk and into the house. My hair flies behind me as I run as fast as I can without looking scared. I don't look back.

Thanks to Sharon

2006-10-12T22:02:00.000-04:00

..she's my survey lady.

29 questions
1.explain what ended your last relationship? he was emotionally unavailable
2. When was the last time you shaved your legs? yesterday
3. What were you doing this morning at 8am? cuddling in bed with Sammy
4. What were you doing 15 minutes ago? paying bills
5. Are you good at math? yes though I was always REALLY bad at doing homework every single day, so that kind of screwed me in math classes. I did teach myself a unit of stats when I missed 2 weeks with the flu. This greatly impressed my fellow social work students.
6. Your prom night? sex with an ex....
7. Do you have any famous ancestors? That that I am aware, just poor Irish famine-fleers and poor Appalachian hill folk
8. Have you ever taken out a loan to pay for school? god yes
9. Do you know the words to the song on your myspace profile? "Look at you you're young, having so much fun, gonna be a star, blahblahblah...but click there goes the phone, I don't wanta know what my horoscope's predicting..." I could go on.
10. Last thing received in the mail? the new Rolling Stone
11. How many different beverages have you drank today? iced coffee, Diet Coke. I am out of bottled water, milk and cranberry juice
12. Do you ever leave messages on people's answering machine? all the damn day long
13. Who did you lose your CONCERT virginity to? B52s on the Mesopotamia tour "turn your watch back--turn your watch back!--about a hundred thousand years...."
14. Do you draw your name in the sand when you go to the beach? yup
15. What's the most painful dental procedure you've had? drilling for cavities w/o Novacaine
16. What is out your back door? old-fashioned metal porch and my little brick yard, then the back of the Punjab store
17. Any plans for Friday night? recovering from a week of impossible swampedness at work
18. Do you like the ocean? love it
19. Have you ever received one of those big tins of 3 different kinds of popcorn? my Dad sent me one for no apparent reason when i was a teenager
20. Have you ever been to a planetarium? yes, and had sex in one too
21. Something you are excited about? Project Freefall
22. What is your favorite flavor of JELLO? cherry
23. Are any of your great-grandparents still alive? nope, but I remember Grandpop, he died when I was about 5. He was known for being mean and screaming the Bible at people, but he was sweet to me and let me play with his magnifying glass
24. Describe your keychain. My dad's dogtag from VietNam. For work I had Thing 1 & Thing 2 with blue dreads but it fell apart. :(
25. Where do you keep your change? in my wallet....what a weird question, where else do people keep it? like in a big jar?
26. When was the last time you spoke in front of a large group of people? oh I don't know, sometime in the last month or so at some work meeting or other....it's a blur...
27. What kind of winter coat do you have? a black pea coat that's getting raggedy, a cheap blue coat that has a zipper that won't fix, a great chocolate and leapard swing coat purchased for $10 at Value Village but that my mom lent to someone and has yet to make it back to me...I'm thinking of buying a blue faux-sheepskin jacket from LL Bean for this year
28. What was the weather like on your graduation? beautiful
29. Do you sleep with the door to your room open or closed? just ajar so the cats have access to us.

---------------------------------------tired of all those surveys where you list favorite this, favorite that...? Well now you get to list off everything you hate and vent about everything that annoys you or makes you mad. Just let it all out and say as much as you want! HERES YOUR CHANCE TO RANT !!!

MOST HATED...
FRUIT: tomato
CANDY: circus peanuts....ugh
BEVERAGE: grapefruit juice
COLOR: peach
TOWN/CITY: I can't think of any I hate...hmmmm....
MOVIE: the new Star Wars
ASPECT OF MYSPACE: wierd random people askign to be your "friend"
ASPECT OF INSTANT MESSENGER: ppl knowing whne I'm online and forcing me to talk
ANIMAL: rat?
INSECT: bees since I get sick when stung
BIRD: I really kind of like birds now, even though they freaked me out for a long time.
SEASON: winter
AGE OF KIDS: snooty girls of any age

...WHAT ANNOYS YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING WHEN...
DRIVING: when ppl flag you to go, then they go, like they're trying purposefully to make you have an accident, or when they flag you to do something illegal--hey, I think you should go down that one way street the wrong way!
TALKING ON THE PHONE: not being able to get someone to shut up
WATCHING TV OR MOVIES: boring movies
EATING IN RESTAURANTS: beign asked "have you eaten here before?" like there's some secret club and special way of eating there
GOING THROUGH DRIVE-THRUS: rude staff
AT THE MALL: ppl who walk v e r y s l o w l y
SLEEPING: never getting to frickin sleep in
SHOWERING: the shampoo bottles fall down
YOU'RE AT THE BEACH: dealing with the whole sunscreen fiasco
YOU'RE AT THE GROCERY STORE: long lines
ON A DATE: sexist attitudes
COOKING OR BAKING: not having some ingredient I did not use the last of

WHAT HOUSEHOLD CHORE DO YOU HATE THE MOST? dusting
WHAT DO YOU THINK WOULD BE THE ABSOLUTE WORST WAY TO DIE? torture WHAT'S THE MOST ANNOYING HABIT IN OTHERS? chewing with mouth open...women who pee on toilet seats (just sit on the damn thing, you will not get a disease!), ppl who are mean to or ignore their kids so I have to take care of my kid and theirs
WHAT IS YOUR WORST HABIT? always late, don't work out, eat lots of crap, buy too much expensive coffee, stay up too late, buy too many magazines... boy I could go on and on
MOST HATED FASHION TREND (PAST OR PRESENT): I'm going blank on this one...must have blocked it...
WHAT POPULAR SONG (PAST OR PRESENT) HAVE YOU HATED THE MOST? "Break My Stride"
WORST OR MOST HATED PICKUP LINE: anything creepy
WORST THING ABOUT HIGH SCHOOL: no boys
IRRITATING THING ABOUT YOUR CAR: heat shields! damn Honda problem, they make a lot of racket
AND TO BE COMPLETELY STEREOTYPICAL, WHAT DO YOU THINK IS THE MOST ANNOYING THING ABOUT GIRLS? cruelty
TO BE COMPLETELY STEREOTYPICAL, WHAT DO YOU THINK IS THE MOST ANNOYING THING ABOUT GUYS? salivating over bisexual and lesbian women
WHAT'S ANNOYING YOU TODAY? the sheer amount of work I have at work

I've only seen 51!

2006-10-11T23:08:00.000-04:00

Sharon--I can't believe you have never seen 16 Candles! Don't tell me you have never seen the Breakfast Club!

SUPPOSEDLY if you've seen over 85 of these movies, you have no life. Mark the ones you've seen. There are 168 movies on this list. Put your score in header and re-post.

(x) Rocky Horror Picture Show
(x) Grease
( ) Pirates of the Caribbean
( ) Boondock Saints
(X) Fight Club
( ) Starsky and Hutch
(x) Neverending Story
(x) Blazing Saddles
(x) Airplane
Total: 6

(x)The Princess Bride
(x) AnchorMan: The Legend of Ron Burgandy
( ) Napoleon Dynamite
( ) Labyrinth
( ) Saw
( ) Saw II
( ) White Noise
( ) White Oleander
( ) Anger Management
( ) 50 First Dates
( ) The Princess Diaries
(x) The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement
Total: 3

(x) Scream
( ) Scream 2
( ) Scream 3
( ) Scary Movie
( ) Scary Movie 2
( ) Scary Movie 3
( ) Scary Movie 4
(x) American Pie
( ) American Pie 2
( ) American Wedding
( ) American Pie Band Camp
Total: 2

( ) Harry Potter 1
( ) Harry Potter 2
( )Harry Potter 3
( ) Harry Potter 4
( ) Resident Evil 1
( ) Resident Evil 2
(x) The Wedding Singer
( ) Little Black Book
( ) The Village
( ) Lilo & Stitch
Total: 1

(x) Finding Nemo
( ) Finding Neverland
(x) Signs
( ) The Grinch
(x) Texas Chainsaw Massacre
( ) White Chicks
(x) Butterfly Effect
(x) 13 Going on 30
( ) I, Robot
(x) Robots
Total: 6

( ) Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story
( ) Universal Soldier
( ) Lemony Snicket: A Series Of Unfortunate Events
( ) Along Came Polly
(x)Deep Impact
( ) KingPin
(x) Never Been Kissed
(x) Meet The Parents
(x) Meet the Fockers
( ) Eight Crazy Nights
( ) Joe Dirt
(x)KING KONG
Total: 5

( ) A Cinderella Story
( ) The Terminal
( ) The Lizzie McGuire Movie
( ) Passport to Paris
(X) Dumb & Dumber
( ) Dumber & Dumberer
(x) Final Destination
( ) Final Destination 2
( ) Final Destination 3
(x) Halloween
( ) The Ring
( ) The Ring 2
( ) Surviving X-MAS
( ) Flubber
Total: 2

( ) Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle
(x) Practical Magic
( ) Chicago
( ) Ghost Ship
( ) From Hell
( ) Hellboy
( ) The Secret Window
( ) I Am Sam
( ) The Whole Nine Yards
( ) The Whole Ten Yards
Total: 1

( ) The Day After Tomorrow
( ) Child's Play
( )Seed of Chucky
( ) Bride of Chucky
( ) Ten Things I Hate About You
( ) Just Married
(x) Gothika
( ) Nightmare on Elm Street
(x ) Sixteen Candles
( ) Remember the Titans
( ) Coach Carter
( ) The Grudge
( ) Son Of The Mask
Total: 2

( ) Bad Boys 2
( ) Joy Ride
( ) Lucky Number Sleven
( ) Ocean's Eleven
( ) Ocean's Twelve
( ) Identity
( ) Lone Star
( ) Bedazzled
( ) Predator I
( ) Predator II
( ) The Fog
(x) Ice Age
( x) Ice Age 2: The Meltdown
(x ) Curious George
Total: 3

(x) Indepenence Day
( ) Cujo
( ) A Bronx Tale
( ) Darkness Falls
( ) Christine
(X) ET
( )Children of the Corn
( ) My Bosses Daughter
(x) Maid in Manhattan
( )Frailty
( ) War of the Worlds
( ) Rush Hour
( ) Rush Hour 2
Total: 3

( ) Best Bet
( ) How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
(x) She's All That
( ) Calendar Girls
( ) Sideways
(x) Mars Attacks
( ) Event Horizon
(x) Ever After
(x) Wizard of Oz
(X) Forrest Gump
( ) Big Trouble in Little China
(x) The Terminator
(x) The Terminator 2
( ) The Terminator 3
Total: 7

(x) X-Men
( ) X2
( ) X3
(x)Spider-Man
( )Spider-Man 2
( ) Sky High
( ) Jeepers Creepers
( ) Jeepers Creepers 2
( ) Catch Me If You Can
(x) The Others
(x) Freaky Friday
( ) Reign of Fire
(x) The Skulls
(x) Cruel Intentions
( ) Cruel Intentions 2
( ) The Hot Chick
( ) Shrek
(x) Shrek 2
Total: 7

( ) Swimfan
( ) Miracle
( ) Old School
( ) The Notebook
(x) K-Pax
(x) Krippendorf's Tribe
( ) A Walk to Remember
(x) Ice Castles
( ) Boogeyman
( ) The 40-year-old-virgin
Total: 3

Now Add them up and......put "SUPPOSEDLY if you've seen over 85 of these movies, you have no life. Mark the ones you've seen. There are 168 movies on this list. Put your score in header and re-post.

2006-10-07T00:02:00.000-04:00

Claire, Owen & Sam at the cabin

Owen & Sam enjoying the trains

Sam on the Thomas ride

Cabins and trains and bears, oh my

2006-10-05T22:49:00.000-04:00

Last weekend we traveled to Western Maryland to stay in a rented cabin in Deep Creek with Julie & Casey & Own & Claire. We had a grand time. The place we rented was AWESOME. I want to live there. It was a contemporary style cabin with a loft--gorgeous. I LOVE contemporary architecture, and if I ever win the lottery you bet I will buy me a big Pargo-style wood-n-glass house.

The ride was loooong. Of course, as we were traveling at night and in a rural area, I did not drive, else this blog might be coming to you from my place inside a psychiatric ward. (Rural nighttime driving? Can you say creepy? Give me a good old drug corner any day!) My plan had been to leave the office at 2:30 & be on the road by 3:30. However, I didn't leave the office until 3:30--and when I arrived home, not only was nothing packed, but Hubby hadn't showered and Sam was still in pajamas! (Reason #655 why a SAHD is not the same as a SAHM.) This gave us the opportunity to enjoy rush hour, however.

When we got to the cabin and stopped the car, Sam immediately said "Why are we stopping here???" Once we told him this is where we would stay, he started to make upset-scared noises (the usual when he stays anywhere away from home)...but once we got inside and he saw the cabin....."I like this place! I want to live here!" was the new refrain. When we packed up on Sunday, he said he never wanted to leave.

Saturday we had a lazy morning (well, except for Julie, who made eggs & bacon for everyone), then took a long walk in the woods. Then we went out for lunch to a cute Mexican place, where the kids got glow necklaces and Sam kissed a bear statue. The late afternoon was nap time for the girls while the boys went fishing. We grilled steaks for dinner and got the kids in bed. I stayed up late reading (a book about a foster parent, which had many disturbing and depressing stories of abused children...I know how to relax, huh?)

Sunday we headed to Cumberland to see Thomas the Tank Engine on his world tour. Sam had a blast playing with trains and salivating over Thomas merchandise (and ended his day with an Oil Depot, a book, a canteen, and a 6-pack of tattoos---yea, I'm a sucker). Before heading back to Home Sweet Home, we took a ride on Thomas.

The unfortunate thing about our lovely trip was that I had a pretty wretched cold the whole weekend, which then blossomed even more once at home, grounding me home from work for 2 days. You know you're stressed and overwhelmed at work when you panic because you're sick & missing a day (OR TWO! AAACK!) is a scary possibility. Could I be more swamped? I've spent the rest of the week digging out.

Return of the Bell

2006-09-23T10:34:00.000-04:00

No, not you, Chel.

Last year at Sam's preschool The Bell was the source of many a fit and Bad Day. (Mommy: Did you have a good day? Sammy: "No, I didn't get to ring the bell. It was a bad day.") Miss Colleen had a bell that one child each day would ring at clean up time. If it wasn't Sam's day, look out.

Well, The Bell had followed us to the new school. On Wednesdays, they have "hill day," and go to plat atop a nearby hill. When it's time to return to the classroom, one child has the job of ringing the bell.

Uh-oh.

So this past Wednesday was Clare's day. But while on the hill, Sam grabbed the bell from her little hands and TOOK OFF! Clare was very upset by this of course, and the valiant Max decided to right the wrong....so he clobbered Sam. The teacher said she braced for Sam's screams but instead--

he laughed hysterically! A wrestling game! And Bell theivery!
It's all good.

Anatomy of a Fit

2006-09-18T00:22:00.000-04:00

Sam had one of those inexplicable fits today. We went to the street fair in our neighborhood, and there was a free! moon bounce. He's never actually been in one before and was at first hesitant, but after watching other kids he gave it a go, and of course loved it. There was a basketball-type hoop inside and he had a grand time trying to make a basket, which he eventually did after a zillion patient tries.

That's the good part.

The fit part: another boy, slightly younger, wanted to play with the ball too. A reasonable request, unless you are 4 1/2. Sam lost it, insisting the ball was his, crying nonstop, and getting into multiple physical struggles with this other child over the ball. Fortunately this other kid was extremely good-natured and seemed to think this struggle was all part of the game, so at least there was only one screaming, crying, fit-throwing imp (mine). Eventually Sam had to be pulled out of the moon bounce by me, and the Dad in charge removed the balls from the moon bounce permanently. Sam later calmed down and had a second try, but spent the whole second time crying about the Ball That Was No Longer There. And had to be removed AGAIN.

I sometimes really worry about him with this kind of stuff. I know a certain level of it is normal, and I do know he is especially dramatic and sensitive, and prone to "scenes." Lately his drama has included statements such as "You think I'm a loser!" if we correct him or ask him to do something differently. I heard "I want to die!" (complete with moaning, tears, and throwing of self backwards on bed) in the midst of a Sorry game this weekend. He was a high-needs baby, and a high-needs toddler, and he's a high-needs preschooler. I'm pretty patient with it, I just worry....is he likely to have a mood disorder later? will he have trouble keeping friends? will he need a special school? As it is we have to regularly do breathing or counting exercises with him to help him calm down...he goes from zero to 10 in a split second. I always love when another mom will see her child slight Sam in some way, and will ask me if he's upset--to which I always smile and say--"Oh, believe me, you'd know!" About that there is definitely no mystery!!

Tag, you're it

2006-09-16T13:13:00.000-04:00

Debbi asks us to describe My Perfect Day, so here goes:

I awake with my men, but am gloriously allowed to go back to sleep while they trudge downstairs for breakfast. An hour or so later, Hubby brings me chocolate chip pancakes and Diet Coke....I eat and do crosswords in black felt-tip pen and read.

Late late morning I shower & dress and then we all go out. The weather is slightly warm but crisp. We hang out at a park while Sam plays, and then go out for lunch. Then we hang out at a bookstore for a while, and head back home. After a little bit of time doing nothing at all, some friends come over and we have some drinks and watch the kids play and play 80's Trivial Pursuit, then we all eat Thai food that was delivered (if only!) and hang out some more until the kids are sleepy. Friends go home, Sam goes to sleep in 2 minutes, and Hubby & I cuddle up and watch "Survivor" or "House" episodes we've not yet seen, on DVD so we don't even have to forward through commercials.

There are no fits or screaming or whining episodes from anyone. There is no cooking or schedule either, I notice!

Now for Jackie's meme: Your 10 Favorite TV Characters

1. Angela Chase, My So-Called Life: A perfect show about a regular girl in her regular life.

2. Ricky Vasquez, My So-Called Life: Sweet boy, coming out with pain and being a good friend and making his way in the world.

3. Capt. Jean-Luc Picard, Star Trek: The Next Generation: Amazing leader, smart, and charmingly curmudgionish.

4. Det. Robert Goren, Law & Order: Criminal Intent: Mind Kung-fu!

5. Dr. House, House: So smart and sad, you just ache to save him. And perhaps do something else to him.

6. Diesel 10, Thomas the Tank Engine: It's good to be bad, and I love when he hits his own self in the head with his claw.

7. Det. Lennie Briscoe, Law & Order: You gotta love him.

8. Capt. Hawkeye Pierce, M*A*S*H: Cause I know him so well.

9. Ben, Felicity: I so would have picked Ben every time, too.

10. Mary Richards, The Mary Tyler Moore Show: Modern woman for any time.

First Day of School

2006-09-12T00:43:00.000-04:00

Sam had a fabulous preschool day! His first words to me upon pickup: "I rode a scooter!" And he was the only kid who had to change clothes, because he got wet on "the wet sliding board and the wet swings." He also declared that he likes the school, his teachers and his classmates, though he doesn't know anyone's name.

This morning getting ready, he talked about "when I am 5, and when I am 6" etc...then he mentioned "when I am 16." I told him he could learn to drive and he immediately got VERY VERY stressed about this. Driving..too much pressure...only 12 years to prepare...

Reminds me of when I was about 5 or 6, and obsessed with the presidents: I had a book of US presidents that I toted around. (also had a book on medical stuff, of which my favorite section was the one on skin...I can vividly remember showing this to my Aunt Debby--"this is how a scab is made"---claerly the precursor to my current life, when at a Lunch & Learn on syphilis, everyone sees the picture cards of lesions and rashes and passes them right to me...yes , this is the kind of thing we do at lunch...my workplace is not for the faint of heart) My dad was always saying I could be anything, even president...and I got really worked up about it, because I was overwhelmed by the idea of having my first day as president, and realizing---what the hell do I do now?? I was crying and worrying and stressing, and my dad reassured me by pointing out I had to wait until I was 36, so I had a lot of time to get ready.

So Sammy gets the freak gene from me. At least I let him run!!!

A better weekend

2006-09-10T22:25:00.000-04:00

I had a good weekend this time!

Saturday my friend Eve was in town from San Francisco & I had a little lunch party for her with some mutual friends. So great to see her. I forget exactly how much I miss her until I see her. She is one of those friends you can go a year without seeing and then it's like you saw her last week. Evie, I miss our movie dates and sharing secrets and eating whole bags of Pirate's Booty during the Oscars and shopping with Wa...

Today was my company picnic, our 2nd annual one. Having the picnic in the first place was the idea of little old me. Had lots of fun. Sam and I played hopscotch and soccer, I got to meet Kimberly's celebrity dog finally, and I learned many of my coworkers have ultra cute children.

The bad thing at the picnic--and this goes under Worst Luck Ever--Hubby, while drinking a soda, accidentally swallowed a bee....that was still alive...and stung him INSIDE his throat. Thank God he isn't allergic. he was in some mega pain though but soldiered on through the picnic anyway.

And thanks to all my friends for their support after my last post. To anonymous, who said all kinds of nasty things about Hubby: You don't know the whole story! Hubby stays home with Sam because that was OUR decision; we knew we didn't want him with anyone but us, and it is easier to live on a social work salary than an archival/library person salary (and you would think nobody makes less than a social worker, but yes, library work pays worse). Plus he wasn't all that jazzed about his work, and his grant funding was running out anyway on his current job...and I LOVE my career, my job, and my workplace. It would be very painful to give up. So it made sense for him to stay home. As much as I bitch about him, most of our problems really stem from the fact that he feels awful a lot of the time, as he has a chronic autoimmune disorder. So lighten up, especially if you're not going to identify yourself!

Sam's first day of his new preschool is tomorrow. He is very excited!! Afterwards we are going to Build a Bear Workshop, as Sam has been itching to build a bear there all summer. He's already picked out the bear's clothes! Then a lunch at Red Robin. We are having a picnic supper with my friend Leah and her little ones.

Here's one for Jackie: Hubby actually told Sam not to run ON THE PLAYGROUND! I kid you not.

Bitching

2006-09-05T22:47:00.000-04:00

Well this past glorious holiday weekend sucked. Not totally--I had a lovely time playing endless rounds of Monopoly Jr ("Pinopoly" per Sam) with my little Game Wizard, and it was fabulous to have three days off and catch up on some cleaning and laundry and such, and not feel as if I was living in a bucket of mud and hair.

However, I had hoped to actually **do something** and dare I say, as a family. But when I suggested we take a family trek to the pool on Monday (it being the last day of the season, finally warm, and plus, didn't you promise the boy you'd come to the pool with him once more--making a whopping TWO times---before the end of the summer?), what I got was a sneer, rolled eyes, and a really bad attitude. Then, because I was upset about this--and said I was tired of feeling alone all the time--I was accused of "pouting." Which made me want to throw a certain someone out of a high window.

Then today, while out to lunch, I was told I eat "way too much" and am going to "end up in the hospital." (this because I was finishing Sam's amazingly fluffy pancakes) I am overweight, I don't eat great (though not awful) and I don't work out (even though I have repeatedly asked someone to get up before noon on weekends so I can do so occasionally, and have gotten zero response). However, I'm not immense--I would not qualify for gastric bypass, for example--and I have low cholesterol, normal bp & normal glucose. It is FAR more likely that what would land me in a hospital is a friggin relapse of bulimia, which has been in remission for 5 years. Every time I have had a relapse, it has been more serious...last time was not pretty and I would like to avoid the experience again. So, hey, if you lived with me then, and know this, how about a tiny bit of consideration and sensitivity?? I know you feel like crap, but if you want to take it out on someone, find someone else, 'k?

Obviously I'm still really pissed. And I probably shouldn't be blogging this, but the alternative is shoving it inside and frankly I don't think it's my responsibility to do that. I shoved in lots of crap in a previous relationship and it was bad news for me. And I need to be sane not just for me but for my boy.

Not even sure what else to say. Thanks for listening.

Your tax dollars at work

2006-08-31T23:33:00.000-04:00

My BFF Melissa called me last night with the true tale of obnoxious and discriminatory marketing to impressionable children via the PUBLIC SCHOOLS:

Her 1st grader came home all excited because, instead of art class, he got to go the cafeteria with all the other boys and learn all about The Frickin Boy Scouts. "They go camping, Mom, and teach you how to make stuff!" He got a "free ticket" to a scouts meeting with an instruction to "tell your mom and dad to bring you!"

Great. Only if you're hetero though! And Christian!

So now her son is all excited and she gets to tell him no, sorry, you can't go.

Motherfuckers.

Melissa rocks though. She has already called the principal and mobilized a bunch of other parents to protest.

10 years and now

2006-08-29T00:15:00.000-04:00

10 years ago...

How old were you?:
28
Where did you go to school?
was finishing up my last semester at UMBC with Social Work Research and American Studies Senior Seminar, in which I wrote a short book on the cultural impact of Three Mile Island
Where did you work?
Had just started working at Chase Brexton as a case manager, released from the hell that was Bill's Music
Where did you live?
an apt in Mt Washington with Hubby (then boyfriend)
Where did you hang out?
Was starting to hang out with Patricia & Patrick, Warren & Jeff and Ken & Chuck
How was your hair styled?
a modified "Rachel" I believe
Did you wear braces?:
nope, finished those when I was 17, but Hubby had them!
Did you wear glasses?:
contacts
Who was your regular-person crush?
Lili
How many tattoos did you have?:
0
How many piercings did you have?:
2
What kind of car did you drive?
my new 94 blue Honda civic hatchback
What was your favorite band/group?
Pearl Jam
What was your worst fear?:
being burned and sexual assault/torture
Had you smoked a cigarette yet?:
yes
Had you driven yet?
since I was 16
Had you been arrested?
nope!
Had you been to a real party yet?
most partying was done between 18 and 23
Had your heart broke?
wickedly painfully
Single/Taken/Married/Divorced/Bitter:
divorced from Joe, with Hubby for 2 years

NOW...
How old are you?
38
Where do you go to school?
Got the Master's degree and am DONE
Where do you work?
Senior CAse Manager at Chase Brexton
Where do you live?:
Charles Village baby!
Where do you hang out?
home with Sammy Sam and my friends with kids
Do you have braces?:
nope
Do you wear glasses?
contacts
Who are your best friends?
Melissa, Julie, Hannah, Warren, Chel
Still talk to any of your old friends?
Melissa, Julie, Hannah, Warren...I can't believe Warren is an "old friend"!!! Very seldom in touch with Patricia :(
Who is your celebrity crush?
Hugh Laurie as Dr House; still Eddie Vedder
How many piercings do you have:
2
How many tattoos?
0
What kind of car do you have?
same 94 Honda, plus a 97 Honda wagon
What is your favorite band/group?
Nellie McKay--she's not a group but whatever
What is your biggest fear?
something bad happening to Sam
Has your heart been broken?
not since that last survey

**adapted from Sharon's...had to make it 10 years since I'm so old!!!

Man No Pants

2006-08-25T23:44:00.000-04:00

I have decided Sam's Indian name is Man No Pants. The boy takes off his pants, and preferably the underwear too, at every opportunity. This morning, as I was rushing out the door to work, late again because I overslept AGAIN, Sam was chattering away, wearing a lizards pajama shirt and....you guessed it, no pants!

So I tell him his new name is Man No Pants, and without skipping a beat, he says "Limbo's my middle name!" and starts to faux-limbo. Wha???

The other night in the kitchen he was dancing around in his undies, and pulling down first the front, then the back of the undies. I said "What's this pulling the pants down thing?" He struck a pose...think Vogueing....and said, with what can only be described as a FLOURISH, "It's the latest FASHION! Sometimes you show the butt (shows butt) and sometimes you show the PEE-nus! (shows penis)"

What can I say.

Rehashing the worst years

2006-08-20T22:45:00.000-04:00

SO I just read this book examining the "therapeutic boarding school" industry, which was quite disturbing in that it is very cultish and not at all therapeutic, not to mention a number of teens have died in these places. There is one story about a kid whose parents sent him to one in Mexico I think, even though he didn't have appear to have any actual problems (besides crazy parents that is)--he was there about two years before some other relatives and a neighbor busted him out. What really struck me about the story was how much his parents sounded like my dad and stepmother---absolute control freaks, for whom nothing you ever do is good enough or correct. Oh, the memories that came flooding back! Like:

1. Being told I never contributed anything to the household (where I visited every other weekend) when I was about 10, though I could easily compile a list of chores I did--like wrapping presents, helping to cook, loading dishwasher, etc.

2. When I was 16 or 17--if something was wrong with my car and I didn't bring it to my dad (like the time my uncle fixed something small for me), I would get in trouble. But if I did bring it, I was accused of only coming over to have my car fixed.

3. Being accused of only coming over to pick up gifts from my extended family, like little Easter baskets. But the time I didn't take back the gifts (specifically to avoid the accusation), I was sent a long, nasty letter about how ungrateful and selfish I was, and that the gifts were returned, and the relatives told I didn't want the gifts and that they should never get me anything again.

4. When I was 14, my German class helped to host an international dinner, where people brought in international dishes for a buffet. Parents bought tickets in advance that were $2 each. My mom, dad and stepmom all bought tickets. My mom came and we had a great time. But my dad and stepmom came late (it was something like 5 to 7, and they came at 630) and of course there wasn't much food left...so they made a big scene, threw a fit, insisted on getting their money back, etc. It was a friggin high school fundraiser! It was $4---these are middle class people who took vacations in Hawaii! All my friends, my mom, and my teacher were super nice to me about it. They recognized the craziness.

5. Then there was the time when I was 18 and living with them for a while, and we were arguing about some thing they hated about me (I think it was that my two closest friends at the time were black) and I just needed a break. I was trying REALLY hard to be reasonable, and said I wanted to go out for a drive just to clear my head. So they got in my face and said no, you're upset, you can't drive.
OK, I can see that, I'll just take a walk. No, we don't want you to leave the house.
Alright. I'll just go downstairs for a little while. No, you're running away from your responsibilities.
They FOLLOWED ME, into the basement, past my room, back into the laundry area, where my dad ultimately threw me on the concrete floor, sat on top of me and began punching me in the face.
I was later chastisted for scratching him during this encounter (I don't remember doing that, but it sounds plausible because generally if someone tries to beat me, I expect to try to fight back) and made to APOLOGIZE to him FOR MAKING HIM SO UPSET THAT HE HAD TO HIT ME, in order to continue living there. I should have just slept on the street (though at that point I had already had that experience and didn't want to repeat it--that was the time when I was homeless and my dad told me not to call my maternal grandparents because I was ruining their lives. My wonderful grandparents soon located me through friends, and desperately wanted me to come stay with them, which I did. My grandmother was pretty pissed off that my dad said that to me. I suppose I should have known better than to believe anything he said.)

I could go on all night! No wonder I have a friggin phobia about being tricked! (When I graduated from college, Hubby (then boyfriend) bought me a TV/VCR for my bedroom--and my first response was "Is this a trick?" Isn't that sad?)

All I can say is, thank God I made it through all that shit. If I try to restart a relationship with these people, please talk some sense into me! (I can always rely on Wa for that--he's my reality checker!)

Back to work

2006-08-14T23:34:00.000-04:00

Well, back to the salt mine I went today....I got my regular iced coffee & muffin for breakfast, plugged into my electronic medical record to plow through a bazillion documents and flags, not to mention my emails...No major catastrophes seem to have occured while I was out.

Tomorrow, Sam has a playdate with a kid from his new preschool class. We have never met the parents, though I did talk to the child briefly at the playground meet-up the Parents' Association had last week. (Hubby is truly delighted to be going to the home of people he's never even met...but this is what happens, my dear. when you don't plan anything and your wife happens to have a career COORDINATING PEOPLE'S LIVES. And if I can case manage 60 adults with multiple chronic diseases and many psychosocial ills, I sure can set up a lively schedule for my men at home!!) Anyway...the mom called to set up something, which was very proactive of her. When her son got wind of the impending playdate, he, in 4 year old fashion, wanted it to occur IMMEDIATELY. Being a good Mommy, she called me back to see if we wanted to come over same day. I explained that we could not due to a number of errands we had scheduled, and she suggested that.....I drop him off.

Anyone knowing me and Hubby well can stop yer laughing now.

When I laughingly told this to Sam, he said "But I want my Mommy to come!" Oh Sam, you will probably be 16 before we "drop you off" somewhere.

A formula:
take 1 former middle child, sometimes neglected and left to his own devices frequently, leading to many dangerous and chancy encounters and adventures....
add 1 former mostly-only child, sometimes neglected and almost always given extraordinarily inappropriate amounts of freedom, leading to many dangerous and chancy encounters and adventures...
combine to make an only child with a stay at home dad and a social worker (!) mom
to get:
one wickedly overprotected child.

Sam is still going to sleep in his own bed! Amazing. He actually has ramped up his bedtime and morning nursing, I suppose to compensate. Speaking of nursing, my friend Cole has suggested I give Ike, the Cat with Cancer, some breast milk. (Expressed breast milk, people.) While that may seem wacky, it's actually a great idea that I'm bummed never previously occured to me. And Iky will really love it, being the Dairy King (in his quest for creamy deliciousities, he once carried a spatula with pancake batter around in his mouth).

Oh, my prizesfor going back to work?
a cold which hit me in the afternoon with a KILLER back ache

Growing Up

2006-08-08T22:51:00.000-04:00

Sam is currently sleeping in his own room for the 2nd night in a row. THIS IS A BRAND NEW THING! He came into our bed at about 3 a.m. last night, which was excellent for me since I don't really sleep well without him there. I love having him in bed with us, but I do enjoy having my own bed in my waking hours. I got to read in bed last night! Wow!!

He also seems to be winding down from nursing. He doesn't nurse every single night anymore, and since I've been on vacation he has stopped most morning nursing. We'll see what happens when I go back to work.

At the pool tonight, Sam was trying to play with some older kids (boys about 7 or 8 maybe?), and they were pretty much ignoring him. But the "leader," who had that cool kid/snobby bully vibe, said in this mean and condescending voice "You can't play with us!" with a an evil scowl. Sam immediately burst into tears and turned to me and screamed "They hate me!!" I had to pick him up out of the pool he was so upset. I watched Mean Kid all night and it took over an hour before I had any clue who his parent was. I so wanted to say something to her but decided that really would be more for me than for Sam. When I told Hubby about it when we got home, he gave me shit for not bitching at the kid. But I was a little busy focusing on SAM and frankly, it's not my fucking job to be Mean Kid's parent. His parents should have been close enough to observe a problem and intervene themselves.

My clever boy

2006-08-07T01:18:00.000-04:00

Saturday I spent the day at the pool with Sam and my mom. The funniest thing happened:

Two 10 year old boys were wrestling and chatting in the water near my mom and Sam. This was the conversation overheard:

Boy 1: She doesn't really love you. You need to break up with her. If you don't break up with her by Monday morning, you aren't my friend. You can't come to my house or anything.
Boy 2: **whine/groan**

Boys swim away.
Sam: "That was stupid, stupid, stupid."

A clever boy I have!

These same boys later told me that they own a "company" that will find girlfriends for guys. I told them I was pretty sure that might be illegal.

Busiest day ever!

2006-08-04T11:08:00.000-04:00

Sam and I are recovering from our Super Busy Day yesterday, in which we:

1. Got up early and were out the house at 8 a.m. I don't even do that for work!!
2. Picked up my mom in Catonsville & drove her to Greenspring Station for her colonoscopy & endoscopy. (fun!)
3. Went to Bob Evans for a lovely breakfast. Sam had ...drumroll....pancakes! (He asks for pancakes nearly every day, I think a consequence of me having lived off chocolate chip pancakes for the first few weeks of his life---seriously, the only foods I ate for weeks were pancakes, ice cream, Special K, milk, and apple juice. And some lasagna that Christine made me.) We made a trek to the Women's Room, where Sam became disturbed by the lack of urinals. (He evidently used one for the first time last week to his great delight.)
4. Went to consignment shop #1, where I finally found a raincoat for Sam, plus some winter feety pjs (that he wanted to wear tonight--in 100 degree weather!!). I gave Sam $2 to spend. After much hand-wrenching, he chose some roller skates on sale for $1.25--what a bargain hunter!
5. Back to get Mom, who was not at all sick or sleepy, just hungry.
6. To Giant for Mom to drop off a prescription and buy some pastry.
7. Swung by my old house in Kensington, where I lived with Joe. Whoever lives there now has decorated the yard to within an inch of its life. "Busy" is the word of the day.
8. Took Mom home & hung out for a while. Sam came away from this trip to Grammy's with: a new beach towel, 2 bathings suits, 3 outfits, 1/2 case of ginger ale, 1/2 bag of tortilla chips & a Rice Krispie treat.
9. Consignment shop #2, where we bought nothing. There were a few books I would have considered, but they were wickedly overpriced...like the Curious George book that retails for $6--but was priced used at $7!!!
10. CVS to hunt for goggles for Sam, which we actually found (they are very cute, decorated with starfish and crabs), as well as more sunscreen and a bag of Ring Pops, which were purchased with Sam's remaining 75 cents, which were selected after EXTENSIVE deliberation. I was rooting for the Franklin stickers, which were really cute, but Ring Pops won.
11. To my BFF Melissa's house. Sam had a blast playing with Luke and Ethan. At one point, Luke pulled out a little dimestore handheld video-type game, and Sam was instantly glued to his side. (I will have to get him a Gameboy for Christmas; he will seriously LOSE IT. He is soooo into these types of games. I will probably live to regret it however.) Luke got it when directed to pick a prize from the "treasure box" in his kindergarten after being good for a whole week. However, he revealed to me that he didn't like anything in the treasure box, so he snuck into the "confiscated items" drawer and spirited it away from there...I don't think he has shared this with Melissa yet.
12. McDonald's for a Happy Meal--I know, terrible. He had a choice between a Hummer toy and Polly Pocket, and my boy emphatically selected Polly. It is a cool toy--Polly, a spare evening gown, and a car/changing room thingy. I put the stickers on for him last night.
13. Final stop: the pool for the last 45 minutes it was open. Sam spent the bulk of his time floating on his Dora the Explorer floaty in the deep end, feet propped on a kickboard, and watching the divers and judging who would be on "his team" and who on "the worst team."
14. Back home and quickly to bed.

All About Me

2006-08-03T00:15:00.000-04:00

Thanks to Sharon for these...I love this stuff. I do every survey, etc I can get my little hands on.
You do it too!!!

Can you name 13 people you can think of right off the top of your head? Don't read the questions underneath until you write the names of all 13 people...This is a lot funnier if you actually randomly list the names first...No Cheating!!!

1) Sam
2) Hubby
3) Sharon
4) Lauren
5) Cole
6) Jackie
7) Melissa
8) Shae
9) Chel
10) Hannah
11) Julie
12) Wa
13) Jeff

How did you meet ..10? She sat next to me in History of Political Thought in 12 th grade

What would you do if 6 and 2 dated? Get divorced!

Have you ever seen 4 cry? Yes

Do you think 1 is cute? The cutest ever!

Tell me something about number 11: She's quite an amazing teacher, seen firsthand by me when she taught Sam how to make cookies

How do you know 8? our kids were in Music Together, and Sam LOVED Zoe so I tracked the whole family down on the internet

Would you ever go on a date with number 1? We go on dates all the time!

What's 7's favorite color? She is unlikely to be able to select one color. All decisions with Mel are HIGHLY planned and thought about for a long, long time...never try to sell her a sofa....

What would you do if 6 confessed they liked you? Be very flattered cause she's wicked smart

Who is 4 going out with? Nobody right now, but she has a Life Partner in Waiting, obvious to anyone who has ever seen them together

What's the best thing about number 3? She's unpredictable in her tastes, like me! (Not "inconsistent" as Hubby calls me) And she is my Number One at work (Star Trek reference)

What does 5 do for a living? Takes care of her kiddies and studies nursing

Would you ever live with 13? He would make an excellent roommate, or husband, except for the gay part

Is 2 single?? No he's not!

Where does 7 live? Academy Heights in Catonsville

What do you think about 9? She needs to move back to Baltimore b/c I miss her

What's your favorite thing about 10? She's kind and loving

Favorite Memory with 1? that's impossible to pick....but snuggling up and nursing is high on the list.

LAYER ONE: ON THE OUTSIDE
Name: Gina
Current Location: Baltimore
Eye Color: green
Hair Color: dark blonde
Righty or Lefty: right
Zodiac Sign: Gemini

LAYER TWO: ON THE INSIDE
Your heritage: Irish, English & German, but given the olive tone to my dad's complexion and my tanning ability, there's got to be something else too
Your fears: Sam being hurt, bees, sexual assault/torture
Your weakness: food
Your perfect pizza: from that place in Jersey!
Like to achieve: thinness and being in shape

LAYER THREE: YESTERDAY, TODAY, TOMORROW:
Your thoughts when you wake up: why did I stay up so late?
Your best physical feature: hands
Your bedtime: I try to force myself in bed by midnight on work nights
Your most missed memory: Big Chill weekends at Hannah's

LAYER FOUR: YOUR PICK:
Pepsi or Coke: diet Coke
McDonalds or Burger King: either but McDonald's is cheaper
Adidas or Nike: Nike
Lipton Tea or Nestea: tea sucks
Chocolate or vanilla: Chocolate
Cappuccino or coffee: iced Coffee

LAYER FIVE: DO YOU
Cuss: yup
Take a shower: well yeah
Have a crush: usually
Think you've been in love: yes
Want to get married: am now!
Believe in yourself: yes
Think you're a health freak: oh my no, i get worse as the years go by

SIX: IN THE PAST MONTH
Drank alcohol: no! i need a beer!
Gone to the mall: no again
Eaten Sushi: no, never
Been dumped: No
Gone skating: No, i really should
Dyed your hair: no

LAYER SEVEN: HAVE YOU EVER
Played a stripping game: no
Gotten beaten up: sorta

LAYER EIGHT: GETTING OLD
Age you're hoping to be married: that's already done

LAYER NINE: IN A GIRL/GUY
Best eye color: don't care
Best hair color: don't care
Best style: fem for both genders, though I do like girls with a butchy edge

LAYER TEN: WHAT WERE YOU DOING
1 minute ago: this
1 HOUR AGO: reading blogs
1 YEAR AGO: I might have been in New York visiting Hannah et al

LAYER 11:FINISH THE SENTENCE
I LOVE: Sammy
I FEEL: fine (Beatles in my head)
I HATE: homophobia/racism/sexism etc
I HIDE: as much of my fat as I can
I MISS: Chel and Hannah and Eve and Emily and Shannon and Kendra and Jen and Jenn and Jesse and Anne-Marie, and HCP
I NEED: someone to cure Hubby's illness

Ch ch ch changes

2006-08-01T12:42:00.000-04:00

First, a shout out to the folks of whom the above title reminds me: high school friend Jenny, who was always a huge Bowie fan and could be counted upon to recite any Bowie lyric you might need...and Wa, who on occasion uses that to title an email announcing some change or other. at the office

But back to those changes...

At age 24, I changed my life.

I broke off contact with my dad, to save my sanity. I have many many fond memories of times with Dad--we are a lot alike in many ways--but the strong overlay of racism/homophobia/sarcasm/judgement/narcissism was just too much to continue taking. And there was no way I would ever heal from childhood wounds without the distance and separation.

I left my husband. Joe was a good friend and I loved him so, so much. We were a bit enmeshed. But he couldn't handle anything emotionally messy and boy howdy, that's what I was.

I moved back to the city.

I went back to therapy. Dr H, you rock. And you saved my life.

I began making preparations to return to school, though I didn't actually get there full time for another two years.

And in the midst of all this, started a relationship with (now) Hubby. Not the best timing but probably couldn't have done it all without his support.

Where I found the courage to do all this, I don't know. But thank God I did, or who knows where/who I would be.

I am ever grateful to who and where I am now. Great friends, Hubby and Sam, the most phenomenol job ever, a great house in the city, no depression!, eating disorder in remission, faith and my own personal angel Emily, it goes on and on. I am truly fortunate and blessed.

Just feeling fine!

Little bit o'this, little bit o'that

2006-07-30T13:31:00.000-04:00

Thus far having the most of laziest days...my poor child has been watching commercialed Nick TV for the past hour or so, because his parents keep on sleeping (and now blogging)....I did get up early, make blueberry pancakes and help him get on the computer to play Sponge Bob games...but then I ran out of steam and---on the pretext of "waking up Daddy"--- went right back to sleep. I was supposed to visit some of my dad's relatives today but I don't see that happening...that would require WAY too much energy to withstand the accompanying anxiety.

As soon as I can get myself showered and dressed, I promised Sam I would take him to Target to buy goggles and a new noodle for the pool because SOME KID STOLE HIS NOODLE YESTERDAY AT THE POOL. There were a slew of people at my pool yesterday from some family reunion or something who I guess rented out the room attached to the pool...I've never been witness to this occuring before so I don't know how it works. But apparently they were given access to the pool, which meant it was crowded, and with people not knowing the culture of the pool, wherein you can use stuff left around by others but NOT TAKE IT WITH YOU! I saw some girls (about age 10?) leaving with noodles, and I thought one was Sam's...and upon searching the pool concluded it was indeed his precious orange noodle. The thing cost $1 so it's not a financial hardship, but Sam was DEVASTATED and cried for about an hour, despite my assurances that I would indeed get him a new one. He is a sentimental boy, so it was as if a dear relative had been kidnapped. There is the outside chance that said thief will have been forced to return said noodle by thief's parents, but somehow I doubt it.

I am officially on vacation---after staying at work on Friday until 9 p.m.!! At 730, I was still talking to patients on the phone, specifically the father of a young man stuck in the ER for over 24 hours while in a psychiatric crisis. I hope the poor kid finally got a bed...then I had 4 staff intakes for review, an intake of my own to complete, shredding, scanning, complicated lists of current issues with my clients.....it goes on and on.....

And the award for Most Annoyingly Catchy Songs That Stick in Your Head For Weeks from a TV Show goes to....Pinky Dinky Doo! from the Noggin network! Congratulations!

Several miracles occured yesterday after I ran into my friend Cole & her brood while en route to the farmer's market on Saturday morning. Sam wanted to join her son Jasper at the Little Park after we picked up out CSA share and our farm milk (Hubby is very weirded out that you have to shake the milk to de-lump it). But I had a hot date with Let's Dish so warned him, only 5 minutes! Of course that didn't work, especially when they had some kind of elaborate playhouse-moving game going on ....SO, she was very sweet to agree to watch Sam for a few minutes while I went back to our house (1/2 block away) and got Hubby to trade places with me. Why is this a miracle? Well, as I said, it's not just one but several!!

1. I actually left my child with someone not Hubby or my mother, and NOT in my house-- never happened before. Yes, he is 4 1/2 now.

2. Sam, while looking stressed about it, did not cry or flip out, mostly because his alternative to the situation was leaving the park.

3. Hubby actually got immediately out of bed when requested AND was not Evil No-Coffee Man. I did give him a $20 bill which I think confused him greatly.

Well I must return to my duties as Mommy--and btw, Sam informed me this morning that I was a "Bad Mommy" because I initially hesitated to make pancakes--partly because he DEMANDED them and partly because in order to wash the correct pan, I had to unload the dishwasher, then load it again with all the dirty dishes in the sink....which I DID DO, but only after Sam checked his bad attitude and asked me nicely. (I first told him to "say it politely" and he said "thank you," which while indeed polite was not applicable to the current request...got to be more specific).

Mommy, depressing

2006-07-23T21:10:00.000-04:00

Haven't been in the mood to write but Cole makes me want to, what with her 12 highly entertaining posts per day.

6 DAYS to my vacation starts!
2 DAYS to my next pool trek!
1 DAY until my new employee starts, thus meaning I WILL BE FULLY STAFFED, FINALLY, AND IF ANYONE DARES LEAVE I WILL CHAIN THEM TO THE DESK. (Sharon, this means you!)

I found my little brother on MySpace. Perhaps we'll actually start to rebuild our relationship. When I cut off contact with my dad, when I was 24, Rob was only 13, so it was pretty impossible to be in touch with him regularly without involving my dad to some degree. I could have been more proactive, especially once he was at college, but I guess it just seemed weird. I feel bad about it. I think all the time about reinitiating contact with my dad, but I am just afraid of going to that (emotional) place again. And I don't want to expose Sam to any of the negativity, or have Sam get attached to someone with whom I then can't deal anymore. What this has to do with seeing my brother, I don't exactly know, except that he is of course still in my dad's life. But honestly I haven't a clue as to what their relationship is like. So I guess we'll see where it goes.

Sam and I went to the pool late on Saturday, just before the storms hit. We got about 20 minutes in the pool before it started to rain, but because the rain started before the thunder, we got to swim in the pool while it rained! I love that! Then we got drenched en route to the car. it was fun.

I wish I could share all these great moments with Hubby too, as a family, but he is so absent from our weekends it's downright sad. To what degree it's from his chronic illness I don't know. Today Sam and I went to the library, and when I asked Hubby if he wanted to go (meaning we would wait for him to get ready even though he slept until after 1 p.m.), he said "Not really." Which basically makes me feel like crap. I did ask Sam if it bothered him that Daddy didn't do stuff with us on the weekends, or if he didn't mind (I tried really hard to ask this in an upbeat, nonleading way), and he said "I don't mind!" I guess he gets his fill of Daddy during the week. I do sometimes feel, what is the point exactly of being married???

Ok, I've pretty much depressed myself so I think I will retire to my friend, the television. I've watched some good documentaries this week---"The Aggressives," about young butch lesbians in New York, and "Pack Strap Swallow," about young women incarcerated in Ecuador for their work as drug mules.

Later gator.